Thursday 31 July 2014

A name without power

I have a confession to make. My name is not Amanda (but I'm happy for everyone to keep using it to address me). The name I am using, Amanda Miguel, are the names I wanted to name my kids.

My husband and me mentioned baby names since we were dating, and it was funny how we both loved the same names. Specially Amanda, that was my special name, the one name I had no doubts and that was perfect in every single way. After 5 years wanting that name, a family member had a daughter and called her Amanda. I was crushed. That was my name, no one in the family had it, it was perfect in both Spanish and English and I had it reserved for all these years. The thing is, he didn't know about it, and I had no kid to give the name to.

Miguel is a similar story, no one has used it yet, but I was in constant "fear" when a family member got pregnant they would take that name too. It was like they were robbing me of having a baby. I know it's not true, but infertility makes you a little bit insane.

So, that's how I decided to take the power away from the name. Use it in my blog, get called that, make it something that I can use right now and not something that keeps waiting. Make it something mine and special instead of keeping it in my heart as a "maybe". Take the power away from the name.

I think it's working, because at the very least I don't feel like I have been robbed anymore. I don't feel like mentioning the name is reminding me of the children I don't have. I can enjoy the name, and surprisingly the combination, without having to wait. If I get to have kids in the future I don't know if I will use the names, maybe I still will, but for now I am Amanda Miguel, and the name doesn't hold any power over me anymore.

Wednesday 30 July 2014

My body is no longer mine

I have heard from pregnant women that they feel like their body is no longer theirs. They are sharing it with a tiny person that makes then feel all sorts of different. The body changes physically and it changes your mood. I thought I understood what they were saying, and that I would probably feel the same way pregnant.

Well, fertility drugs make you feel the same way, even when you are missing the baby's kicks, and you can't blame cravings on someone else. In less than a week I had forgotten how different the fertility drugs make me feel. It's not only the constant exams, pills and injections making you feel like an object, but also the effects those pills and injections have on your body.

I am constantly sleepy and falling sleep. I am the type of person that is normally falling sleep by 10pm and awake by 6am even on weekends. During the treatment I am falling sleep before 9pm and sleep after 8am if I can. I know for some people this is not such a long sleep, but come on! asleep before 9pm I feel like a little kid.

Drugs and sex. Another great example of not feeling like my body is mine. Last month I took 4 different drugs during the treatment, and they completely changed the way I felt about sex I either wanted it all the time or spent days on end not wanting it at all, depending of the drug of the moment. I get that we all have cycles, but when the drugs are the ones in charge it makes you wonder if you are ever going to go back to "normal", whatever your normal might be.

Am I pregnant symptoms. I don't know which one is less fun, really, falling sleep, sex on the wire or all the pregnancy symptoms. I got nauseous, my breasts hurt even when walking, I was crying constantly, and I had very weird cravings. All of these while also falling sleep everywhere and be on the sexual wire. By the end of the cycle, after accumulating all these symptoms, I wasn't sure I was still me or I was just a baby vessel.

The fun is here again and after asking my husband if it was the same last month he said "not this bad". LOL. I guess accumulating drugs would also "enhance" the effects. Even though I'm not looking forward to all the crappy feelings, I'm facing this month as more of a challenge. Bring it on!

Tuesday 29 July 2014

Living up to expectations

I'll venture a wide statement and say most people find it hard to live up to expectations. The expectations other people have of you, and the ones you have of yourself.

As common as it is for people to expect something of you as a daughter or son, as an employee or employer, as husband or wife, and everything in between, my problem is the one people have about you as a woman and being pregnant. You have to be able to get pregnant, period. You have to be able to do it when you want to, period. If you are having problems, don't worry, every one knows someone that had trouble and were able to get pregnant.

I talked with my mom last week and after I told her I was having issues reconciling that the first IUI hadn't worked, she told me not to worry, "with technology now days women are having kids even in their forties!". I know she is trying to make me feel good and all, but when you are feeling crappy, there is no much escape. I told her with all the technology and I still couldn't get pregnant yet. It hurt me to hear her fall silent to that and told her that I still had hope, that I wasn't giving up.

Then it was my mother in law. She told me not to worry, because she has a friend that was going through all sort of treatments to get pregnant at a fertility clinic and nothing was working. The clinic closed during the summer (which clinic does that?!) and she got pregnant that summer with no help from the clinic. That's great for her, and I love my mother in law for trying to make me feel better, but it just feels like more pressure (even though I know she is not doing it on purpose). It feels like I would disappoint her if I don't get pregnant next time I take a break.

To top it off, there is the grandparents wanting to see great-grandchildren, and the wedding I went to where people were asking the bride and groom who would be changing diapers and/or choosing the baby's name. Guess what? not everyone wants to have kids and not everyone can have kids. Stop asking that type of question until at least a baby is REALLY a possibility.

For now, I started my second IUI round. Blood work, ultrasounds, pills, right arm so bruised I look like a drug addict, and mood swings. Welcome all to my life the next few weeks. I will try to live up to your (and mine) expectations one more time, and see what the result will be. Meanwhile I'll be planning weekends away and sushi time!

Saturday 26 July 2014

The ghosts are out

People say that you see what you want to see, which can be proven by the wonderful pastime of cloud watching :-)

There is also its counterpart, where you find everywhere the very thing you least want to see. If you are afraid of rats, they will show up to you. If you freak out about hair in the food, you will be the one with the one hair in it.

I think infertility produces the second kind. You see pregnant women, or little babies everywhere. All your friends are having babies, you get invited to all these baby showers, and of course there is always at least one unplanned pregnancy too. If you manage to survive the wave (always worse in your hardest moments), then you get all the kid's parties and still all the pregnant women (they don't stop!). There is no escape.

So we have random pregnant women, and pregnant friends with their little kids. If you manage to avoid those, be prepared for the world news! These past 2 weeks I have seen the largest number of news about parents killing, torturing or abandoning their kids. Here I am, fighting tooth and nail to have one, and these people don't have a care in the world for theirs. Why do they get the opportunity and fail miserably and I don't get the chance to give someone a hopefully wonderful life?

Those sort of questions bring two topics for the future: Is it because I complain too much "why not me?" and "should we adopt?". For now, I still try to see the little things that bring me happiness, and I still get to hug all those cute little kids without the diaper changing :-)

Friday 25 July 2014

"Forget about it, just go on a vacation and it will work" or the worse advice ever


I won't go into much detail about the first time I went to a fertility clinic because it was more than 4 years ago and I hated the experience, but I can tell you the general aspects.

I remember walking in and seeing walls of baby pictures, so many of them! Of course, they are telling you they helped bring to life all these babies, "this is our product - kids - and look at all of our success". You immediately start thinking that maybe, just maybe, you will be sending one of those pictures in 10 months or so. You feel happy about the idea of displaying your kid as one more product from the clinic, and you feel proud of it!

The first consultation is scary but all you get is the doctor telling you all the tests they are going to run on you, and the one test on your male counterpart, to figure out what's going on. "We are going to help you get a baby" they say, and you put all your hopes in them. The day of your period comes and you get to call the clinic to announce it (seriously, when did I become this person calling on the phone to announce I got my period?).

A few days later starts all the poking and probing. They take your blood and do invasive ultrasounds every day. You hold your pee (this is my least favourite) while they are late for your appointment and forbid you to go to the washroom. They have baby pictures everywhere you go (encouragement!), and they smile at you while you keep repeating to yourself "this is worth it".

The moment of the truth comes. The results are in, and you have an appointment to hear what the doctor found. I had been trying for 2 years to conceive, I was ready to hear just about anything wrong with me, and to see the light at the end of the tunnel with a treatment that would make my dream come true. I'm nervous and nauseous, but it's over, the mystery is no longer going to be a mystery.

The doctor says what I think at the moment is the worst/best thing I can hear: "there is nothing wrong with you". If there is nothing wrong, what is going on?! I was prepared for bad news, not for this. How can I fix "nothing wrong"?. Little did I know the news would get worse. The doctor continues "there is nothing we need to do here, go home, forget about it, go on a vacation at a beach or something, relax and it will happen". PLOP.

Yes, the doctor said to a woman trying to get pregnant for 2 years unsuccessfully to go home and relax, that was all needed.

...
Let that sink in
...

Four years later I'm still here, trying. No longer with the same partner, no longer with the same clinic or doctor. No longer with the same mentality I had in the past. Still searching. At least I got to go to the Caribbean because the doctor ordered it ;-)

Thursday 24 July 2014

Searching


Everyone searches for something at some point. My search right now is about getting pregnant, or accepting that I won't if that is what will happen. Searching for the knowledge once and for all of what is meant to be, what is destined for me.

I started searching years and years ago. I have been through many lows and through many highs not related to the baby department, but for which I am very grateful. I am on my quest in a second fertility clinic, and my soon to be second IUI. I want to share my path, my experiences, and what I learn and feel. I want to learn how you feel, what you know, what you lived to get to where you are.

I have many questions, most of which will have no answer until I find what I'm searching for, but if you are up for the ride, I would love to hear yours. If you are out there and reading, lets search together! This is my ride, but the company is always the best part of an adventure :)