Monday 30 March 2015

Pregnant until proven otherwise

Friday was our transfer day. I wore green socks to symbolize life, new, hope.

I had acupuncture before anything else, so it would relax me and prepare my body to receive a new little life. I also had to start drinking water so my bladder would be full at transfer time. Relax, relax, think sticky thoughts.

Our transfer was scheduled for 9:30 and they told us to be there at 9:10. As soon as we got there, I needed to change to my new outfit, A.K.A. just socks and the hospital gowns. Next the embryologist introduced himself (different to the retrieval one) and told us nonchalantly that we were transferring a good hatching embryo, one had arrested and one was being cultivated to see if it could be frozen the next day. "Please sign here" hahaha

So wait, you just told me I'm getting pregnant today with one beautiful new life my husband and me (and technically him) created, I lost one baby and one might still have a chance? Can I have one minute of "Oh my God!", translate all this to my freaking out head, and feel happy and sad at the same time? I signed, turned to J in disbelief and I think I said "we have one!", and "might still have another one!". That's all I could utter, while trying to calm myself down.

Next they walked me to the OR (everything is happening so fast!) and they started an ultrasound. My uterus, my belly, the ribs, seat down, breath, exhale, lay down again, seat down again, wow. I found out after that they had found fluid in my belly and my chest, yeay OHSS. So I'm hyperstimulating, my follicles are leaking and now I have a little bit of fluid where it shouldn't. No big deal, I feel fine, just please don't cancel the transfer, please don't cancel the transfer.

At the end they decided to go ahead. They didn't give me any pictures of my baby, but this is approximately how it would have looked on day 5.
The cells are not separated any more and can't be counted. Is one entity, one baby, one perfect mix.

They introduced a catheter and the embryologist prepared the embryo in a syringe between 2 bubbles with a thinner catheter. They then introduced the thinner catheter in the big one, and we got to see where it was placed in my uterus through the ultrasound screen. The embryo is too little to be seen in the screen, but you can follow the 2 bubbles during their journey and you know your little bubble baby is so small and light it fits perfectly snuggled in the middle.

Once the bubbles make it to the uterus, the embryologist goes back to the lab and checks the embryo is not longer in the syringe. They are very sticky so they have to make sure it sticks inside you, not outside!. After that everyone smiles, they take the catheter out, and they let you go to the washroom and home. In my case they also gave me a sheet to follow my weight, waist, liquid ingest, etc. to keep an eye on the OHSS.

I went to acupuncture again, then left J at work, went home and relaxed all day knowing that now I had our little baby inside me. I am PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise), pseudo-pregnant, pregnant. I have a Schrodinger's baby, it's both there and not there. I have another life inside me, maybe sticking and implanting, maybe not. It feels very weird, knowing that a pregnancy test will decide if I have been pregnant "for weeks" (positive) or never pregnant at all (negative).

That little life is inside me, there is no question about that. I keep relaxed, I pray about it, I think about it. No matter what you want to call it, it's there, and I just hope it decides to stay and grow, and I can someday meet him/her in person.

As per our little embryo being "cultivated". It made it! We have a frozen baby, a frostie, a little one inside and a little one in a freezer waiting for us. We hope to meet our little flower in the future, just hope we have to wait a year from now, meet it's older brother or sister first and then unfreeze him and give him/her a warm home.

Wednesday 25 March 2015

And then there were 3

When I got the call on Monday I was brushing my teeth, so I had to run to the phone and J had picked up the call and got the conversation. On Tuesday I was a bit more prepared and still got the call when I was in the shower, but since I had my phone just outside, dried my hands and picked up the phone myself. Today I refused to brush my teeth or shower until I got the call LOL. I waited and waited and waited. Gave up, gave the phone to J and went to get ready. Finished getting ready and came back to J to complain they had not called today, and then I got the call.

"Three are still dividing". With happiness that we still had something, and scared that we had lost one more, I asked the embryologist what were the chances of some making it until Friday. I heard "It's a slim chance, you should have something to transfer on Friday". Say what? Slim or not? I asked him to repeat again and he said "yes, you should be able to have the transfer on Friday, see you then". I hung the phone and asked J "did you hear the call?", and he said yes, so I asked him if I had heard right. He said the second part, that we should be able to get something on Friday. He also said the embryologist never said anything about a slim chance.... Did I go crazy? was my brain so set on bad news? Did he said "good chance" and I mistranslated in my head? It doesn't matter now, but weird nonetheless.

So this how my 3 babies could be looking right now, having 8 to 10 cells and starting to compact:

We don't get any updates tomorrow as they don't like bothering them on day 4, but if we are lucky, this is how they would be looking tomorrow:

I have been thinking off and on about the reasons we are loosing them, about what would happen if it doesn't work, if I would go through this again. I try to stop me though, and J tries to stop me. It's hard but I do need to concentrate as much as possible on one day at a time. Today I try to work and get rest, tomorrow I repeat. Friday I am debating taking the morning off or taking the whole day. Good or bad news, I might not want to be at the office. We'll see, for now, we just wait one more day and pray for those 3 little embryos.

Tuesday 24 March 2015

When is a baby a baby?

Cuándo es un bebé un bebé?

Is it when it's born and you hold it and cuddle in your arms?
Es cuando nace y lo abrazas y sostienes en tus brazos?

Is it when you feel it kicking in your belly and think of the day you will hold it in your arms?
Es cuando lo sientes patear and tu barriga y piensas en el día que lo tendrás en tus brazos?

Is it when you hear his heart beat and you know there is a second heart inside you?
Es cuando escuchas su corazón y sabes que hay un segundo corazón dentro de ti?

Is it the moment you hear you are pregnant and hopes and dreams come rushing at you?
Es en el momento que escuchas que estas embarazada y las esperanzas y sueños vienen corriendo a ti?

Is it when an embryo has grown in a petri dish and it's put inside of you?
Es cuando el embrio ha crecido en un platico de petri y puesto dentro de ti?

Is it when a piece of your husband and you are combined together to create something magically new?
Es cuando una parte de tu esposo y tuya son combinadas para crear algo mágico y nuevo?

Is it when it has grown in your heart and still a thought?
Es cuando ha crecido en tu corazón y todavia un pensamiento?

My baby has been my baby since I had it in my heart.
Mi bebé ha sido mi bebé desde que lo tuve en mi corazón.

My baby has been my baby since I wrote to it, and tried for it.
Mi bebé ha sido mi bebé desde que le escribí e intenté tenerlo.

My baby has been my baby since I started going through injections, no sleep nights, nauseas, bruises and pain.
Mi bebé ha sido mi bebé desde que comenzé a tener inyecciones, noches sin sueño, nauseas, morados y dolor.

My babies have been my babies since my husband and me created FIVE.
Mis bebés han sido mis bebés desde que mi esposo y yo creamos CINCO.

We have lost one baby since we heard only FOUR have survived so far.
Hemos perdido un bebé desde que escuchamos que solo CUATRO han sobrevivido hasta ahora.

My babies are still my babies growing in a lab. They are in my heart, they are in my soul, they are in my thoughts, they are mine.
Mis bebés son todavía mis bebés creciendo en un laboratorio. Están en mi corazón, están en mi alma, están en mis pensamientos, son mios.

I grieve and cry for that loss. I grieve and cry for the baby that is no more. I grieve and cry for the baby that did not multiply. I grieve and cry for the baby that I won't ever know.
Me duele y lloro por esa perdida. Me duele y lloro por el bebé que ya no existe. Me duele y lloro por el bebé que no se multiplicó. Me duele y lloro por el bebé que nunca conoceré.

I pray for my 4 little babies in the lab. I pray for my 4 to multiply. I pray for the hands that are taking care of them. I pray for God to hear my cry.
Rezo por mis 4 pequeños bebés en el laboratorio. Rezo por mis 4 para que se multipliquen. Rezo por las manos que cuidan de ellos. Rezo para que Dios escuche mis lamentos.

Day 2 post ER

On Friday I had my HCG trigger at 8:30pm. We connected on Skype with my mom and my youngest sister and J gave me the injection. I had almost no pain, and it was his best injection yet, no bruise whatsoever, he is getting better at this LOL My mom and my sister were also very happy to be part of the process somehow :)

On Saturday we went to visit J's parents and to buy me new socks! All of my socks are white, and I wanted special socks for the retrieval and the transfer. I guess it's just something special, something I can do. So we bought at Walmart a pack of colourful socks that give me lots of options. I decided to go orange for the retrieval, they were very bright, very happy, and gave me a sunshine kind of vibe!

On Sunday we went for the retrieval. We arrived there at 7:30am and they prepared us for everything coming. They asked me to strip of everything but my socks, yeay for new socks! And gave me something to wear. Took my blood pressure and temperature and prepared to put my IV. Now, I have thin rolling veins, I told this to the nurse, and she still had a very hard time putting the IV. She was able to hook it on the third spot she tried, on the 4th try. Sigh...

After that it was waiting for the doctor and time for J to do his part of the job and change to his new fancy clothes. He looked like a doctor! And he looked at me funny when I mentioned maybe taking a picture of him like that LOL so no pics :) Also had to go to the washroom 2 times while I was there! I hadn't drink a drop of water since 9pm the day before, or eaten anything, and still had to go twice! The nurses were very nice about it though and there was no problem about that.

At 8:30 the doctor arrived and they walked me to the OR. The had me lay down and put my legs on the stirrups (good bye shame!) and they gave me something to make me loopy. They had told me I would feel pressure and pain, but would not care much about it. After that everything is kinda blurry. I thought it lasted about 5 minutes, I had lots of pain that I transferred to J by pressing his hand, and I know I stopped breathing a few times. Not like they had to bring me back or anything, just would hold my breath until the nurse would tell me to please let go of it, or take another breath. The pressure and pain were a LOT. While the doctor was searching for my follicles and my eggs, they would count how many he was getting, which was exciting!.

J told me it actually took between 20 and 30 minutes, not 5, and that the needle was massive! (That explains the pain). He got to see my follicles in the monitor, the liquid extracted, and everything happening around me, so that was interesting :) When I had 3 eggs extracted I said "now we can have 3 kids", and the doctor and nurses all looked confused LOL

After the procedure was done, they walked me out of the room to the recovery area and told us they had retrieved 11 eggs. That was a shock to me as I thought they would get only 6. I cried a bit and they kept the blood pressure monitoring on me. They also brought me a heat pad, a cookie and a Ginger Ale as a "prize". Since I was very loopy, J would feed me and give me to drink and just bare with whatever craziness I was saying or doing. He said he had a hard time not bursting out laughing with some of the things I said :D

So, 42 puncture marks into the process (not counting big IVF extraction needle), we were done and were allowed to go home and rest. They would call Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to let us know about the status of our embryos and so far the transfer would be on Friday.

Sunday I had a lot of pain at home, but nothing I could not handle with a heat pad, Tylenol and lying down. Plus J was awesome taking care of me. I also had to start the progesterone once at home, and continue the antibiotic I had to start on Saturday (ends today!). On Monday morning we received 2 calls, one from the embryologist and one from the nurse. The nurse wanted to know how I was doing, and told us the transfer was scheduled for Friday at 9:30 am but they would confirm to us on Thursday or let us know if there were any changes. The embryologist told us that 5 eggs had fertilized "normal". 5 out of 11. I know it doesn't sound like much, but we were happy about that. I was expecting 6 retrieved and maybe 4 or 3 fertilized, so 5 out of 11 was good enough :)

Today is day 2 of my little embryos and this is how they are supposed to look:
I also found this blog that explains every day of the embryo cycle which I liked: http://fertilitylabinsider.com/2010/11/embryo-stages-progression/ so feel free to visit and read if you are curious and don't know about it.

Today the embryologist called and said we have "4 embryos dividing". It's still a good number, since we "only" lost 1, but the news still hit me pretty hard. I cried this morning, feeling the loss and the death of one of our precious embryos. Even though we knew not all of them would make it to Friday, it was still very hard to hear this and to feel it.

Today I pray for those little 4 embies, may they divide and grow. I pray for God to keep them healthy and multiplying, for those 4 embies to make it one more day and maybe until Friday. I pray for strength to hold until tomorrow, and for tomorrow's call about one more day. I pray we have at least 1 on Friday and maybe 1 to freeze. I pray for this cycle to work and give us a wonderful Amanda or Miguel.

Monday 16 March 2015

19 punctures and counting


Today was day 8 of my cycle, which means day 5 of stimulation! Time flies by, and goes abnormally slow when you are in this process. I have 19 puncture marks on my body, 4 on my right arm from taking blood, 1 on my left arm since the right one looks like it will fall apart with one more needle, and 14 marks and a bruise on my stomach!

Nineteen marks that show I am doing everything I can to get pregnant. 19 marks ready to become 23 or 24 tomorrow. 19 marks that show my conviction and determination. 19 marks that remind me of what we are doing every time my clothes press against my stomach or I sit too fast. The marks and the pain are constant reminders of what we are doing.

I have hope this cycle, I have so much hope, so much illusion, so much faith.

My follicles are doing great! I have more than 14 follicles total that they can count, and of those 7 are between 10 and 14mm  in size. SEVEN! I have 4 on the left side and 3 on the right side with those sizes. I joke with J and tell him we could have seven kids LOL I know not all might have eggs, and I know not all might be mature enough when the time comes, and not all might fertilize and not all embies will make it to day 5, but I also know that God is big, He is HUGE, and He is listening. So I have hope.

Not my picture, but each red dot represents a follicle, in this case 16 of them in 1 ovary.
These ones are between 2 and 8mm, so 7 of mine are bigger, and about this many are divided in 2 ovaries.


Tomorrow is another day of waking up at 6 in the morning so I can be at the doctor at 7am. Today marks 6 straight days of waking up early to be pinched and probed, and you know what? I am extremely happy. Not necessarily happy of getting pinched or having my blood taken, or waking up that early, but I am happy that my body is doing great. I am happy that my heart is happy. I am happy that my brain is excited and calm. I am happy that the moment is coming, and maybe, just maybe half of Amanda or Miguel is already growing inside me.

Friday 13 March 2015

Day 4 and counting

Today is my cycle's day 4, which means second day of stimulation. The money has been paid, my shame has been thrown out of the window and my body has 6 new puncture marks. Yesterday I went to the clinic for my first day of appointments, paid for some of the medicines (more of this ahead) and the IVF cycle (so many zero's in my credit card!), had the ultrasounds and got poked and probed.

I am getting 300 units of Gonal F and 75 units of Bravelle a day, full on throttle. In my IUIs I had 75 units of Gonal F only, and got upped to 150 units at one point when I wasn't performing up to expectations (shame on me!). So now I'm getting headaches that I didn't expect, but still not crying, so yeay me! I had had two blood tests and 3 ultrasounds, but I haven't looked at the results from today. The good news is that my FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) went from 10.6 last cycle to 6 this cycle!! Ten or more is not good, it means you won't produce too many eggs and you might have DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve), so going back down to 6 makes me extremely happy.

Money wise I'm incredibly happy. Even though we had to pay so much money for the IVF, we were expecting it. The drugs on the other hand can get out of hand. My nurse had offered to send a letter to the pharmaceutical companies to see if they could give me some of the medicines for free. This would have never crossed my mind, and I welcomed the offer in a second. Yesterday I got the run down of the medicines and got a bunch free! So I already know I'm saving $1K in medicines thanks to the donations from the companies and my fabulous nurse :)

One thousand may not seem as much when you are spending that much money, but we are talking our savings here! Even $100 is a very appreciated gesture. At work they are also helping us. I had a debt that I was slowing paying from the loan they gave us for the first 2 IUIs and they waved it! Basically we had 1 and a half IUIs for free, plus the 75% third IUI they paid, so we have been very blessed with "small" debts in our pursue of a little bundle of joy.

How am I taking this cycle? One day at a time. Even the thought of making decisions of what to do with our frozen embryos (filling out forms by Monday) is a little overwhelming. We had already decided most of it before hand since I knew it was coming, but I'm still undecided if we would want to donate embryos to other couples if the situation arises. Otherwise I have my acupuncture appointments set-up, my counselling appointments every week, and my friends and family in standby and help mode ON. My road ahead today is to end today in a good note, hopefully without a headache and being able to go to the gym, and going to my next appointment tomorrow bright and early. Small expectations, Big progress.

Wednesday 4 March 2015

Drum rolls please, IVF is on its way!

I'm about to start my IVF cycle... yeay!! What's frustrating is that tomorrow is my day 26, so I should get my period any moment then. According to my painful ovulation date I am more probably to get it on Sunday or Monday, so I get to start IVF next week. Here is the catch though: I have been soooo nauseous today :( So my brain is all over the place between "am I miraculously pregnant?" and "I'm probably just getting my period". The thing is that knowing my ovulation and that my period is still a few days away, the "miraculously pregnant" gains more traction in my head, and that it will hurt more when I confirm I am not. So frustrating.

Besides that I'm anxious and nervous. I want to be excited but I am way too scared to be excited. I am happy we can go through with it this month, so I hope to have answers soon. I am scared of it not working, and even more scared of it not working and have no clue on why. We can't afford many attempts and I really don't know what we'll do if it fails.

J is also going out of the country while I'm on my 2 week wait, for 3 weeks!!! So according to the plans right now, he won't be here to find out if it worked. We talked about it and he might ask to be waived the first week so he can be here on that date. That makes me feel much better but still scares me he has to leave so soon. "What if I'm pregnant and we lose it while he is away?", "what if we fail and we can't meet with the doctor until he is back?", and the one I would prefer "what if it works and I'm feeling sick and he is not here to make me feel better?".

I know he wants to be here. It is so very painful for him that he has to go. I can see it in his eyes that he would quit today only to be here with me during the whole process. But he is strong and he will go, and I am strong and I will survive, and we both will be OK at the end. We have been building an awesome support network around us, from therapist to friends and family. I know I'll have all the support I want. It will be a lot harder for him and I will have to do my best not to make it even harder.

At the end we are almost there. We'll be doing IVF and hopefully have a baby at the end of that tunnel. Call it test-tube baby, Petri dish baby, or anything you want, it would be ours. I am praying, I am wishing, I am dreaming, I have hope. The injections, blood tests and ultrasounds are about to start. The early mornings, the pain, the bruises, the stress and frustrations are almost here and I welcome them, because I will soon know if the 7 pills a day have been helpful, if the money we are about to kiss goodbye is worth it, and if our lives will change forever.