Inject, Cry, Repeat

I started the stimulation phase on Friday. Ultrasound, blood work, injections. At least in this clinic I don't have to go every day at the beginning, but on the other hand that means I have to inject myself. So, went for ultrasound and blood work in the morning plus training about how to inject myself (including J so he can help me) and a "goodie bag" full of medicine to last me until Monday at my next appointment. I also had to pay enough money that I couldn't put it all in one credit card, fun.

Friday afternoon J injected me and everything went great, painless, easy. Saturday I injected myself with J supervising to make sure I could actually do it. Not that great, bled a tiny bit but survived, I also did it on the other side of my belly button. Then it came Sunday, J wasn't going to be at home so I asked my mom to be with me on Skype. I did it myself, I managed, but I made myself bleed more than before, and because it was on the same side as Friday it also hurt more, and because I tried to do too much I also pinched myself with the needle on my knee, sigh... That night I cried.

After that I cry after every injection. Everything has been going ok on the monitoring appointments, but I am tired, I fall sleep at 8pm, I am sore, bloated, and get headaches after each injection. J is back at injecting me so I am not bleeding anymore, but yesterday we also added an extra injection to stop me from ovulating and that one has to be in the morning, so injections in the morning and injections in the afternoon. Injections at home, injections in the car. Injections and more injections.

We inject, I cry, we repeat.

The day everyone was pregnant

The header is not exactly true, it has been more like a week and a bit of it, which might make it worse because it's every single day that I hear these things.

First almost every TV show we watch had babies or little kids or pregnant women, seriously, even the first few episodes of House of Cards? Can't be safe in any show :( Then it was baby dedications at church 2 weeks in a row, and then 2 people in J's family. Yesterday to top it off we learned that someone from church too, but the cherry on top? It was the woman that told me in January that she preferred to be sick than pregnant again, yes, she is now expecting her 4th child just when the third one is learning to walk.

Now I feel like trash. Not only it is so hard for me to feel happy for them, but I also feel horrible that I feel bad about it. It's an endless cycle! Why does this happen? Why when I'm about to go into another IVF, when I am feeling so bad, when we are going through something so hard why all these pregnancies around us. Why do I have to make it about myself? I know it's easy to think that I am putting the focus on the wrong place, or that they didn't do it on purpose, I get that. Logically I get all of it, but sentimentally I am a mess.

I am so looking forward to having therapy on Wednesday, I need it, I really need it. Specially because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, only thing missing is someone from my family to announce they are also pregnant. Any bets as to when or if it will happen?

Unraveling the numbers

There are so many numbers to learn during an infertility cycle it can be a full time job. Now that I am trying to get back to everything, I am trying to understand how I am performing according to my previous numbers. At least for now I am concentrating in 3 numbers, AMH, FSH and LH.

What is Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)?
FSH is a hormone released by the pituitary gland. In women, FSH helps manage a women’s cycle and stimulates the ovaries to produce eggs. When a women goes into menopause she is running out of eggs in her ovaries. The brain senses that there is a low estrogen environment - and signals the pituitary to make more FSH hormone. More FSH is released from the pituitary in an attempt to stimulate the ovaries to produce a good follicle and estrogen hormone.
In conclusion, the lower the FSH the better. According to this web site recommended in many infertility forums, less than 9 is normal, between 9 and 11 is fair, 11-15 is reduced ovarian reserve, etc. Another thing to keep in mind is that the higher the FSH is, it tends to indicate lower quality of the eggs, and that your FSH is as bad as the worse result, a lower number in different cycles is not a sign of getting better.

What is Luteinizing Hormone (LH)?
LH is a hormone released by the pituitary gland. In women, an increase in LH level at mid-cycle causes release of eggs (ovulation). On day 3 (when the FSH is measured) a normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS. If your FSH level is much higher than your LH level, then this suggests poor ovarian reserve.

What is Anti-mullerian hormone (AMH)?
AMH is a substance produced by granulosa cells in ovarian follicles. Since AMH is produced only in small ovarian follicles, blood levels of this substance have been used to attempt to measure the size of the pool of growing follicles in women. Therefore, AMH blood levels are thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply - or "ovarian reserve".

These are my numbers in previous cycles:
* February 2014: FSH - 8.4. LH - 4.6 (Investigative)
* June 2014: FSH - 7.2. LH - 4.9 (IUI)
* July 2014: FSH - 6.4. LH - 2.7 (IUI)
* November 2014: FSH - 10.6. LH - 3.9 (IUI)
* March 2015: FSH - 6.7. LH - 4.3 (IVF)
* June 2015: FSH - 11.5. LH - 5.2 (FET)
* August 2015: FSH - ? . LH - ?. AMH - 5.8pmol/L (Investigative)

Putting it all together:
* My worse FSH (that I know) was 11.5
* My FSH to LH level is between 1:2 and 1:3
* My AMH came back as low ovarian reserve

With all these numbers it shows I don't have that many eggs left and the ones I do have don't have a really good quality. When I was at my other clinic they knew my FSH and LH levels, indicating low quality and never said anything about that, plus refused to run the AMH test to confirm! The third IUI should not have happened either, I think it was a money grab given the numbers. The FET I can understand because we didn't care about my eggs at that point. It's frustrating that some clinics won't give you the whole truth :-(

Well, next week I should have my blood tests again and we shall see what my FSH and LH are (did they get worse?), but at least I am going to this IVF with open eyes, chances are low, but there is hope!

Beginning the process again

Well, the process has started for me. We are not in a cycle yet, still a week or so to go, but my brain and heart know what's coming and they are making me pay for it already.

Last week I didn't feel like working and didn't feel pretty, then on the weekend I started triggering. Saturday I started to see all these new pregnant women in our TV shows, Sunday I almost lost it at a baby dedication at my church and then spent the whole day being triggered by family comments, like yet another pregnant cousin.

The funny thing was the moment I almost completely started bawling, during the first episode of Super Girl. Even if you haven't watch it I don't think it would be a spoiler to say that she saves some people during the episode. So here I am having dinner with J and watching the episode when Super Girl goes and starts working on saving these people and I just completely choked. My heart was a mess, I couldn't swallow, my eyes were watery and I am going crazy because I want to cry THIS MUCH during something so simple and not because of the scene.

I manage to keep it together, finish eating, continue baking and the episode ends. I am waiting on the muffins in the oven so decide to sit in the couch with J and then lost it. I start crying just a bit, then some more until I am a complete mess, bawling and crying my eyes out; J just hugs me, knowing that asking is futile.

Eventually I calm down, happy that I was calm enough for J to take the muffins out of the oven so I don't cry this time about that. We talked about everything in my head but I specially blurted out how "I thought I had moved on". The problem was that I was being triggered so much, which I didn't expect, and then when I almost cried during Super Girl I started wondering if I was sentimental because we are actually pregnant this month. Yeah, that happened, I started wondering again with no basis whatsoever except "I was sentimental" :-(

I am not crying so far but I am asking for help. If this is before starting the process, I can only imagine how much worse this new IVF is going to make it. It is all worth it right?

Starting Over

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I won't go into detail about everything because it would be very convoluted, but I will concentrate about the immediate next step, another IVF.

After a lot of talking and thinking, we decided to change clinics. We are now at a new clinic where the doctor seems more knowledgeable and with better communication skills, plus his treatments are adjusted to the patient, what a novel concept! (I know, I am being sarcastic, I have learned so much).

In this new clinic they actually did the test to find out my ovarian reserve, which all this time I was pretty sure was the reason of our problems. My AMH came back at 5.8, which according to the chart the doctor showed us is "Low Ovarian Reserve". The doctor is not really optimistic of our chances and recommended egg donation or adoption, but still gave us hope about what he would do different should we want to try again.

So we are trying again! We are doing our last IVF this November in this new clinic. We are starting monitoring and stimulation on day 2 instead of day 3, we are doing ICSI and we hope to transfer 3 day 2 embryos! Yes, 3 embryos. Even though it is scary to think that all 3 might work out, it just shows how little hope our doctor has on my eggs.

We are taking it one day at a time, have the money saved, not thinking about what to do if all 3 implant or not, or how many eggs I'm going to produce and how many embryos we are going to have. None of it, I know it will come but for now I am still on the bliss of knowing that I am not getting injected right now, and that I don't have a crazy daily schedule to follow, and that December will be a new start whatever happens in November.

This is it, our last chance actively trying at a fertility clinic. Only God knows what the outcome will be.

Where have you gone?

Where have you gone my sweet little angel?

A speck of light and hope frozen in time

You were inside my warm and embrace

But left us to mourn you in the dimmed lights

Where have you gone my sweet little angel?

The hope and the dreams born in my heart

An empty space that has no ending

The tears that flow through my empty palms

Where have you gone my sweet little angel?

I'm looking for you in every side of the line

We want you to know we are still waiting

We want you to know you are loved, you are in our hearts

Where have you gone my sweet little angel?

My tears and our hugs are all that we have

We miss you, we need you

You are all that we are

Where have you gone my sweet little angel?

Make us parents of your sweet little heart

We are tired of waiting and waiting 

A miracle is what you are

Where have you gone my sweet little angel?

Donde te has ido mi dulce angelito?

Our tears is all you have left in our broken hearts.

Hope is a strange thing

I am in the 2 week wait again, in the waiting hell we have to live going through this process. We did the transfer last week and the pregnancy test is next week. Meanwhile I just go insane thinking of the possibilities and feeling all the cramps, nervousness, nausea, and bad sleeping. Hoping against reason that this is it, that all I'm feeling is because we are pregnant and not because I'm getting my period or using progesterone.

I hope this is it, but it's so hard to keep positive with so many failed cycles, or when I keep feeling that every moment now I'll get my period. I have read so many of the symptoms of a positive cycle and they are silly. They are the exact same symptoms as a negative cycle, just with a possible happy ending.

Right now I'm using Progesterone suppositories 3 times a day, which yes, I do end up having to do at least 1 at work because that's where I am during the day. It adds a certain element of distress having to do that in a public bathroom. I am feeling nauseous, because I'm getting my period or because I'm pregnant? I am feeling cramps, because my uterus is expanding with life or because is preparing to shed? I am feeling anxious, and stressed. There is no happy or relaxed at this moment. I just keep waiting for the hammer to fall. The moment I go "there you are, I guess now I know the result of this cycle" but I don't want that! I hate that :(

I also ate pineapple core because so many people talking about it got to me, but granted I did it only for 4 days. I keep my feet warm even though I prefer them cold, and I drink only room temperature water because life does that to you while going through this. It makes you do things you don't believe in just because you are desperate, and you are willing to try anything and everything.

I try to keep a smile on my face and not to cry, to come to work even though I don't want to get out of bed, to keep living even though I want to sleep until the end of the cycle. I want to know and I want this to work. This is our last chance for now. If this doesn't work we'll chance clinics, run tests again and see if maybe we spend 5 figures again to try one more time. We start the adoption process so we don't wait forever for a chance that might not come. We understand the realities better, that IVF does not work for everyone and worse of all it doesn't even work for someone that technically is perfectly healthy.

If this work, our life as we know it will be different and will be the happiest life ever, because our miracle will be coming to us.