Next steps

Yesterday we had the appointment with the doctor to talk about the results of the 2 IUI and talk about the next steps. Turns out that my oestrogen wasn't the greatest. The first time I had 3 eggs and the second time I had 2, but both time the oestrogen was barely good enough to support one egg.

Among all the medications I was taking the first 2 times, the Letrozol is supposed to reduce the level of oestrogen in the body. From what I understood, this is done to protect the body from hyper stimulating with the other drugs. Keep the level of oestrogen low, give other drugs to bring it to the perfect level, do the insemination with just the right amount of eggs and hormones. She says the effects of the Letrozol should be gone after 3 or 4 days.

The next step? We are doing another IUI without the Letrozol, and with a new drug for me, that will keep my body from ovulating (don't have the name handy right now). One of 3 things could happen: the perfect one would be that my levels of oestrogen get better, we do the insemination and I get pregnant. The bad one would be that all of that still happens but I don't get pregnant, in which case next time we'll do an IVF. The third one would be that my levels of oestrogen go so high that my body hyper stimulates and the doctor won't do an insemination because of the risk of multiples, so we turn it into an IVF at that moment.

We are taking this cycle and next one to get mentally and financially ready and maybe go for it in November. It's hard, but I'm trying to concentrate in the outcome and not the struggle that will be to go through all of it again.

Another day, another month

And the first month without trying has passed. At the beginning it was really hard just in general, feeling all depressed, and getting rid of all the drugs in my body. Then it got easier mentally, and all I had left was the struggle not to count the days, not to keep track of how many times and which days we had had sex. It was all followed by the constant nagging and internal struggle of "is forgetting about everything going to work?", "it's the fact I'm not sleeping well good news?", "does this count as really forgetting about getting pregnant?". So freaking hard.

I spent the last 3 weeks not sleeping well. Still can't sleep well! I have no clue what's going on, just keep waking up constantly with no reason. I have tried everything, from going to bed REALLY late, to buying a new pillow, air conditioner off, air conditioner on, valeriana root, everything. I had hope, all I could hope for was that it was a symptom, but I didn't set myself in it, just had that tiny bit of light hope.

Now the month is over, maybe because of the drugs, or maybe it's random, but my 26 to 30 days I had been having for these past years turned into 25 days. Not only was I not prepared mentally but also physically. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch something, I don't want to hear one more person mention that someone else got pregnant while taking a break from the clinics.

I have an appointment next week with the doctor to talk about IVF. I don't know what to expect, but I'm waiting distracted, this wait doesn't have all the crying all the other months had. This month my tears are gone.