Friday 19 December 2014

Letter to my miracle


I have been searching for you for an eternity. I have dreamt about you and hold you in my dreaming arms. I have loved you ever since I first thought of you.
I just haven't met you.

I wait for you and try for you. I search and cry and hope. I pray and scream and doubt.
I think of you all the time.

I might have doubts, but I have faith in God. I might ask why, but I pray again for you. I might feel empty, but I'm not alone. I might worry about money, but all of it will be worth it and more.
I will see you some day.

I am not alone. Your dad is here with me, waiting for you, for us. He prays for you, and hopes for you. He is here for me while we wait so I don't feel alone. He has the biggest heart and the biggest love.
He will hold you with the most tender love.

I am not alone. God is holding our hands even though we don't see Him. He listens to my doubts and my cries. He dries my tears with your dad's hands. He understands and smiles. He knows I am fine and will be fine. He knows my pain and knows it will end. I can feel Him there, planning for you, helping us walk towards you.
He will bring you to us.

I am not alone. Your family is here waiting for you. They are impatient to meet you, and ask for you. They hug us and embrace us, and make us feel better. They lets us know they are here for us and it's not a one person journey. You are shaping their life too. You are making them see the world in different colours. You have touched their hears already, just imagine once you are here!
They will adore you.

You are loved, prayed for, hoped for, searched for. Someday we will meet you and you will know the biggest love anyone has known. Because I am not alone, and you will never be alone. I don't know when I will meet you, or if I will get to carry you.
All I know is that we love you and wait for you.


Video about infertility

The fertility clinic I go to shared a video today about infertility, what it is, facts and myths, causes and treatments, and I enjoyed it very much.

I thought it would be a good video to share here for anyone that is interested in learning a bit more, or that would like to share it with friends and family.

To go to youtube and watch it press here

Enjoy!

Sunday 14 December 2014

Another failed IUI


Yesterday I got my results again. Negative.

I thought I was prepared. I thought that I had hope but was ready to hear the negative. I thought I could handle it. And then it happened. I cried, and cried, and cried so hard I was shaking. I cried so hard that J had to remind me to breathe. I cried so hard I thought I would never stop. We called my mom a bit later and cried to her. My sister came up on the video and cried to her too. We went to J's parents and I cried again. Right now I'm crying inside.

My heart is so broken I don't know what to do. I'm of course giving me time and not making any rash decisions, but I'm lost on what to do. I'm happy that everyone in my family made sure to tell me not to think of them as a reason to have kids, and that they will love me even if we never do have kids. I needed to hear that, again and again.

I already feel as a failure. Yesterday I said I hated my body. I wondered what had I done wrong. I asked God why he hadn't given me this one Christmas miracle.

Today I think of adoption, of IVF, of living child-free. But how do I make this decision? How can I decide something so big and know it's the right decision? How can I live in peace with whatever we decide?... I said I wanted to try only one IVF. Today I woke up thinking of 2 or 3, but they are so costly I don't know how I would pay for them. I woke up thinking of adoption but am I sure that I am ready for this step? and child-free? I'm sure I am not ready for that one. That one brings me to my knees in desperation.

I don't know how to ask anymore. I don't know how to beg anymore. I don't know how to pray anymore.

This is my fertility treatment so far:
* Investigative cycle with Astra Fertility somewhere in 2009. Relax and it will happen.
* Investigative cycle with Karma Fertility February 2014. Unexplained Infertility.
* IUI #1 with Letrozol, Gonal F, HCG and Endometrin, July 2014
* IUI #2 with Letrozol, Gonal F, HCG and Endometrin, August 2014
* IUI #3 with Gonal F, Cetrotide, HCG and Endometrin, November-December 2014
* IVF #1 with Gonal F, Cetrotide, HCG, Doxycyclline, and Endometrin, 2015.

Monday 8 December 2014

Counselling

A couple of weeks ago I went to an infertility workshop. I went by myself because I didn't think J would get much out of it, and would probably be targeted to share, which is not his comfort zone.

In total there were 2 couples, another girl and me. It was interesting to see the range of places we were all coming from. Multiple miscarriages, secondary infertility, problems of some kind, and me, unknown. I was also the only one that had gone through this in a previous marriage and the journey had a very huge impact in that relationship.

The social worker had a ton of things that were very good to hear, like telling us that it was perfectly normal to feel it was our fault (even though it's not), or to feel envious of people with kids, or to get scared every time we go to the washroom, or to feel so deeply sad when we get our periods.

At the end I made an appointment to meet individually with her. I went last week and after hearing part of my story she said "you have gone through a lot" (and I haven't finished!). I get to go again tomorrow, to keep sharing. Besides that I also got two wonderful things out of the workshop.

We are divided in the intelligent self and the emotional self, and that is ok.
- The intelligent self is the one that knows is not our fault. The emotional self blames itself.
- The intelligent self knows the innocent but painful comments were coming from an innocent place. The emotional self hurts and cries and screams.
- The intelligent self plans, works on it, and keeps going. The emotional self cries, hurts.

It has helped me dearly to explain to people why I now cry every day. It has helped me understand myself and give me a break when I blame myself. I  am allow to blame myself, just as long as I come back to my intelligent self and know it's not my fault, there is nothing I can do, and forgive me for blaming me.

The other thing that really helped me was a quote she had at the end of the presentation. I found the quote online here if you want to read the whole article. Here is the part that made me cry:

"These current days of pain and heartache will become your past some day. Healing will happen. It may come about by becoming pregnant and having a baby. It may come about by adopting the child meant to be in your home. It may come about by focusing on a future of living life childfree. You will be forever changed but you will heal from the wound of infertility"

Thursday 4 December 2014

How do you respond?

How do you respond to people when they make comments about your nonexistent kids? How do you respond when you just want to get up and walk away? How do you respond when you have no words left?

I trained to answer the famous question "do you have kids?". I could answer something that would shock people, I could also tell them something like "I can't" and watch them fall silently, but I always answer the same reliable way "not yet".

The problem is the people that have the need to follow up that answer. I have heard a few "don't wait too long", sure, let me start right here and now, "they are worth it/so wonderful", thank you for letting me know, I had no idea!. Today was "you should try it". Good idea! Didn't think of it, wanna talk about trying? I bet you didn't try, it just happened. No one that FIGHTS for this makes that type of comments. Oh, and by the way, "try", what happens if I don't like it?

Sigh...

I'm just so tired, damn if I do, damn if I don't. I don't know how to pray for it anymore. I don't know how to wait anymore. I don't know how I can sit, smile, and move on anymore. That's what I did and now I just want to cry. I just want to know! And I know I don't get to know, not yet.

I'm on my third cycle of IUI. I already had the insemination, and had 2 eggs when I ovulated. It seems like my estrogen was a bit higher too. I also started therapy/counseling, and I'm constantly busy. Yet, I feel like there is an eternity until next Saturday when I get to find out again. I imagine myself sad at the bad news. I imagine myself happy at the news. But I actually feel empty. Imagining me happy doesn't make me happy. Imagining me sad feels like a movie rerun.

And yet, I wait. I wait and wonder how to respond and if I should try it.