Another failed IUI

Yesterday I got my results again. Negative.

I thought I was prepared. I thought that I had hope but was ready to hear the negative. I thought I could handle it. And then it happened. I cried, and cried, and cried so hard I was shaking. I cried so hard that J had to remind me to breathe. I cried so hard I thought I would never stop. We called my mom a bit later and cried to her. My sister came up on the video and cried to her too. We went to J's parents and I cried again. Right now I'm crying inside.

My heart is so broken I don't know what to do. I'm of course giving me time and not making any rash decisions, but I'm lost on what to do. I'm happy that everyone in my family made sure to tell me not to think of them as a reason to have kids, and that they will love me even if we never do have kids. I needed to hear that, again and again.

I already feel as a failure. Yesterday I said I hated my body. I wondered what had I done wrong. I asked God why he hadn't given me this one Christmas miracle.

Today I think of adoption, of IVF, of living child-free. But how do I make this decision? How can I decide something so big and know it's the right decision? How can I live in peace with whatever we decide?... I said I wanted to try only one IVF. Today I woke up thinking of 2 or 3, but they are so costly I don't know how I would pay for them. I woke up thinking of adoption but am I sure that I am ready for this step? and child-free? I'm sure I am not ready for that one. That one brings me to my knees in desperation.

I don't know how to ask anymore. I don't know how to beg anymore. I don't know how to pray anymore.

This is my fertility treatment so far:
* Investigative cycle with Astra Fertility somewhere in 2009. Relax and it will happen.
* Investigative cycle with Karma Fertility February 2014. Unexplained Infertility.
* IUI #1 with Letrozol, Gonal F, HCG and Endometrin, July 2014
* IUI #2 with Letrozol, Gonal F, HCG and Endometrin, August 2014
* IUI #3 with Gonal F, Cetrotide, HCG and Endometrin, November-December 2014
* IVF #1 with Gonal F, Cetrotide, HCG, Doxycyclline, and Endometrin, 2015.