A couple of weeks ago I went to an infertility workshop. I went by myself because I didn't think J would get much out of it, and would probably be targeted to share, which is not his comfort zone.
In total there were 2 couples, another girl and me. It was interesting to see the range of places we were all coming from. Multiple miscarriages, secondary infertility, problems of some kind, and me, unknown. I was also the only one that had gone through this in a previous marriage and the journey had a very huge impact in that relationship.
The social worker had a ton of things that were very good to hear, like telling us that it was perfectly normal to feel it was our fault (even though it's not), or to feel envious of people with kids, or to get scared every time we go to the washroom, or to feel so deeply sad when we get our periods.
At the end I made an appointment to meet individually with her. I went last week and after hearing part of my story she said "you have gone through a lot" (and I haven't finished!). I get to go again tomorrow, to keep sharing. Besides that I also got two wonderful things out of the workshop.
We are divided in the intelligent self and the emotional self, and that is ok.
- The intelligent self is the one that knows is not our fault. The emotional self blames itself.
- The intelligent self knows the innocent but painful comments were coming from an innocent place. The emotional self hurts and cries and screams.
- The intelligent self plans, works on it, and keeps going. The emotional self cries, hurts.
It has helped me dearly to explain to people why I now cry every day. It has helped me understand myself and give me a break when I blame myself. I am allow to blame myself, just as long as I come back to my intelligent self and know it's not my fault, there is nothing I can do, and forgive me for blaming me.
The other thing that really helped me was a quote she had at the end of the presentation. I found the quote online here if you want to read the whole article. Here is the part that made me cry:
"These current days of pain and heartache will become your past some day. Healing will happen. It may come about by becoming pregnant and having a baby. It may come about by adopting the child meant to be in your home. It may come about by focusing on a future of living life childfree. You will be forever changed but you will heal from the wound of infertility"