Thursday 10 December 2015

24 hours


Can't think today. Yesterday night I started having cramps on and off and it hasn't stopped. Well, it is "off" right at this instant but it is "on" on my mind. I freaked out last night, ran to the washroom, nothing (thankfully), plus I also got a headache so my thought was "cramps, headache, here we go, it's coming now". It hasn't yet, but is it the progesterone and estrogen doing their job? Just a timing thing? Or did the IVF actually work?

It was a really mean joke to make it so the pregnancy symptoms are actually pretty much the same as getting your period, it is not funny or amusing and it's torture. I keep going to the washroom almost every hour, checking. I am going crazy.

Nothing I can do but wait, nothing I can do but worry, nothing I can do but try to have hope on a very hopeless couple of days. I keep running through so many scenarios in my head. When do we tell our parents, when do we tell our friends, should I avoid going to x or y, how can we make it special if it's good news, how can we make it less painful if it is bad news.

The thing is, it doesn't matter how, it will be special if it is good news, it will be special because it has been years and years of suffering, because everyone is cheering for us, because this is one of the most wanted miracles and the most waited for in our families.

On the other hand it will be painful if it's negative, no way around it. It will be painful for us because it would be the end of this dream, it would be painful for our families and it will be torture to tell friends and family. We'll be heartbroken, and we won't know how to keep going for a while. It will be our saddest Christmas yet. We will survive, but it will take a while to pick up the pieces and continue walking.

I debated telling people about this cycle, but I did it in the end because I need to share this painful journey. I need to know I am not alone and there are people out there to hug us and dry our tears. Yet I am now in this place, contemplating how to tell so many people the news if they are bad, how to swallow all the good-intentioned comments that are still going to hurt.

And tomorrow? How long are we going to wait for the call? Until 10? 11? 2pm? Do we work from home so we can receive the news in a private place? Do we come to the office so we can be distracted? Do we come and leave at noon if they haven't called? What if they call while on a meeting? Do I have the will to let the call go to voicemail and concentrate on the meeting?

My heart is breaking already, it is preparing for bad news, and it's making me feel guilty. I should be hopeful right? I should be looking forward to tomorrow, but the fall would be so much harder. 24 hours more, survive that and then it will just be minutes. Or feel a cramp again and freak our again and go to the washroom again to check. 24 hours.

Tuesday 8 December 2015

Tick Tock

Such a crawling few days. Even nights crawl when you can't sleep or keep awakening every hour or so. Nothing much to report here except that feeling physically better makes you go insane in the 2WW and you blame it on not having worked (the cycle).

Since I am going crazy doing numbers in my head, I decided to put a lid on it by actually calculating everything fair and square and writing about it. I know once I do it, I can let it go and continue with the waiting without calculating every couple of minutes, so here it is.

I have done 3 IUIs, 2 IVF (counting this one) and 1 FET. On the IUIs I was in a type of progesterone, on the IVFs I have been in another one (both IVF the same one) and on the FET on another one. With the IUIs I didn't get my period until I was told it had not worked and to stop the progesterone, then 2 days later (after stopping) I would get "the visit". During the IVF and the FET I got my period BEFORE the blood test, so I would call them to move it ahead, and go in knowing it had not worked (no, it doesn't make it better). So, now I wonder, when/if am I getting my period before Friday when I have my blood test scheduled.

Lets see the numbers:

IUI #1: Trigger Jul 6, insemination Jul 8, period Jul 25 (day 17 after insemination, 19 after trigger)

IUI #2: Trigger Aug 3, insemination Aug 5, period Aug 23 (day 18 after insemination, 20 after trigger)

IUI #3: Trigger Nov 26, insemination Nov 28, period Dec 15 (day 17 after insemination, 19 after trigger)

IVF #1: Trigger March 20th, transfer March 27, period April 6 (day 10 after transfer, day 17 after trigger)

FET #1: Transfer June 16th, period June 29 (day 13 after transfer, no trigger, but equivalent would have happened 19 days after trigger)

IVF #2: Trigger Nov 22, transfer Nov 27 (today is 16 days after trigger, embryos are 14 days old and we are 11 days past 3 day transfer)

If we go with the progesterone pattern and compare IVF with IVF, then if this cycle didn't work I would get my period tomorrow.

If we go with trigger average (it triggers ovulation and period comes 14 days after ovulation), then if this cycle didn't work I would get my period on Friday (day of the test).

Basically I am where I started, I don't know anything today and need to wait, yeay -_- Since we are 11dp3dt I could do a pharmacy pregnancy test and it would show if it worked or not, but there are 2 reasons not to, false negatives due to late implanters and if it's negative I agonize on it for the next few days until the blood test confirms it. Agonizing over a false test for a few days, or wonder and ask over the few days? Personal choice, I still don't know my answer except that J wants the wonder and ask over the negative test. While we don't test we are still pregnant, once we do, we could not be.

Time is craaaawwwwling.... Tick Tock...

Saturday 5 December 2015

Baby can you hear me

Baby can you hear me?

Are you there?

Are you growing and becoming my little angel?

Have you disappeared?

Baby can you hear me?

I need you here with me

Are you still alive inside me?

Have you left me empty here?

Baby can you hear me?

Two, one or none with me

I want you, I love you, I need you

Please be growing inside me.

Tuesday 1 December 2015

The pain of infertility


I was reading this article the other day and it really resonated with me. It is called "The Pain of Infertility". I would recommend you to go ahead and read the whole thing, but I wanted to specially share the following part:


Infertility is a prolonged shriek of pain that makes no sound. It is the woman who averts her eyes each time she passes a baby in a stroller, wells up at the sight of a diaper ad, goes numb when a friend announces that she’s pregnant. It is the man who resents providing semen samples in plastic cups, dreads injecting his wife with fertility drugs, longs for spontaneous sex.
Infertility is also the only medical condition that involves two people, but produces three patients: him, her, and them. He resents her obsessive talk about babies; she accuses him of insensitivity. Together, they nurse a lifetime of shared grievances: the disruptive visits to the doctor’s offices, the exorbitant costs, and the thoughtless comments of relatives and friends. Month after month, often year after year, they endure the physical emotional, and financial toll, all in hope of fulfilling one of nature’s elementary designs.

So true, so real. I almost cried reading the first paragraph I pasted here. It is a very accurate description of the pain. The next part, the 3 patients? Couldn't have described it better.

Monday 30 November 2015

Transfer and PUPO again

Well, last week was fun. On Wednesday the clinic eventually called and let us know that 2 of the 4 eggs had fertilized. When they called, while I was saying hello, I walked as fast as I could to J's desk and received the news with him. I lift 2 fingers to him while I heard the instructions from the clinic, hanged up and started crying. J took me to the car so I could cry as much as I needed in privacy. I cried of happiness for having some fertilized, I cried of sadness because not all fertilized. It was hard to hear that only 50% of the eggs had fertilized with ICSI, maybe the quality wasn't good, would they be able to survive until the transfer?, we wanted to transfer 3 and we didn't even get that many. It was a lot of emotions in that little moment.

After that I came back to the office and tried to survive the rest of the afternoon, which I can't remember at all. During the call they also told me the doctor wanted a day 3 transfer, so the little miracles had to survive until then, that right then was a very scary thought.

Next day they called me again (way earlier than the day before) and when the nurse said both embryos were still fine and growing I almost lost it. I was in the lunch room and I started shaking, tears in my eyes and I just told her "you made me cry". This time it was for sure of happiness, these 2 were fighters, they had already survived two whole days in the incubator, come on little guys, you can make it another day! I took my things and went back to my desk as I couldn't be in the lunch room anymore. J wasn't there and I was just desperate to tell him. When I saw him after, I just jumped at him and said "we still have two". Who would have imagined that would be such a happy phrase to say.

Friday I took the day off and J took the morning. We went to the clinic (with a full bladder, agghh, I hate it) and got prepared by the nurse. When the doctor came in he said "you still have 2 embryos" and again I almost cried. Day 3 and both of our little ones were doing so good! He said one was an excellent grade 4 quality with 8 cells, and the other one was a "not too bad" grade 3 with 6 cells. "We are going to transfer both". I was beaming, stressed, happy, relieved, nervous. The transfer went without a hitch and the doctor said "we now wait and hope".

Here we are now, waiting and hoping. Every so often I talk with them, after all, I am technically pregnant, I have 2 embryos inside me. Are they growing? Will they attach? I don't know, but the 2WW of being PUPO has started. Pregnant until proven otherwise. I am pregnant, I have 2 little embryos inside me. If this fails, it will be a lose, it technically won't count as a miscarriage, technically we will go back to saying I have never been pregnant, but technically I was pregnant already twice with our 2 embryos at Karma, and technically I am pregnant right now with 2. When do you consider the pregnancy to start? For me, it has already started and I hope I don't have to mourn again.


Today we are 3DP3DT.

Wednesday 25 November 2015

Retrieval

Yesterday was my retrieval. I feel like it was a bit less painful at this clinic. It might have been that I had way less follicles, or I had more drugs in my system, but at least I survived it. The process started on the left foot, with the nurse trying to get the IV on my left arm. It doesn't work!! I am tired of telling nurse after nurse that my left arm is useless for IVs or to draw blood, they all end up having to switch. After switching to my left wrist, then it was very similar to the first IVF. Wait, go to the operating room, have the doctor come in, get the eggs, tell me how many, go to the recovery room, feel better, go home and rest.

They got 4 eggs, which is a lot lower from the 11 on my first try, but I am hoping these are better quality!. I still haven't received the call to tell me how many fertilized, so I'm up the walls and a nervous mess. Can't concentrate on work or anything else but look at the phone every few seconds to see yet again that is is ON and that I don't have any missed calls. Please call me!!!

During egg retrieval, they go through the uterine wall with a big needle to aspirate the eggs in the follicle.
Today I have some pain left from it, specially when I go to the washroom, but it also includes walking and changing positions, so yet another reminder of what happened yesterday!

This cycle we are also doing ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection), which is the direct injection of the sperm to the egg to make sure the doctor is choosing the best possible sperm instead of some random one, plus helping the sperm getting exactly where it needs to.

If there are fertilized eggs, aka embryos, then we would do a transfer tomorrow or Friday! To the people at the clinic: Please call now!!!

Wednesday 18 November 2015

Inject, Cry, Repeat

I started the stimulation phase on Friday. Ultrasound, blood work, injections. At least in this clinic I don't have to go every day at the beginning, but on the other hand that means I have to inject myself. So, went for ultrasound and blood work in the morning plus training about how to inject myself (including J so he can help me) and a "goodie bag" full of medicine to last me until Monday at my next appointment. I also had to pay enough money that I couldn't put it all in one credit card, fun.

Friday afternoon J injected me and everything went great, painless, easy. Saturday I injected myself with J supervising to make sure I could actually do it. Not that great, bled a tiny bit but survived, I also did it on the other side of my belly button. Then it came Sunday, J wasn't going to be at home so I asked my mom to be with me on Skype. I did it myself, I managed, but I made myself bleed more than before, and because it was on the same side as Friday it also hurt more, and because I tried to do too much I also pinched myself with the needle on my knee, sigh... That night I cried.

After that I cry after every injection. Everything has been going ok on the monitoring appointments, but I am tired, I fall sleep at 8pm, I am sore, bloated, and get headaches after each injection. J is back at injecting me so I am not bleeding anymore, but yesterday we also added an extra injection to stop me from ovulating and that one has to be in the morning, so injections in the morning and injections in the afternoon. Injections at home, injections in the car. Injections and more injections.

We inject, I cry, we repeat.

Tuesday 10 November 2015

The day everyone was pregnant

The header is not exactly true, it has been more like a week and a bit of it, which might make it worse because it's every single day that I hear these things.

First almost every TV show we watch had babies or little kids or pregnant women, seriously, even the first few episodes of House of Cards? Can't be safe in any show :( Then it was baby dedications at church 2 weeks in a row, and then 2 people in J's family. Yesterday to top it off we learned that someone from church too, but the cherry on top? It was the woman that told me in January that she preferred to be sick than pregnant again, yes, she is now expecting her 4th child just when the third one is learning to walk.

Now I feel like trash. Not only it is so hard for me to feel happy for them, but I also feel horrible that I feel bad about it. It's an endless cycle! Why does this happen? Why when I'm about to go into another IVF, when I am feeling so bad, when we are going through something so hard why all these pregnancies around us. Why do I have to make it about myself? I know it's easy to think that I am putting the focus on the wrong place, or that they didn't do it on purpose, I get that. Logically I get all of it, but sentimentally I am a mess.

I am so looking forward to having therapy on Wednesday, I need it, I really need it. Specially because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, only thing missing is someone from my family to announce they are also pregnant. Any bets as to when or if it will happen?


Wednesday 4 November 2015

Unraveling the numbers


There are so many numbers to learn during an infertility cycle it can be a full time job. Now that I am trying to get back to everything, I am trying to understand how I am performing according to my previous numbers. At least for now I am concentrating in 3 numbers, AMH, FSH and LH.

What is Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)?
FSH is a hormone released by the pituitary gland. In women, FSH helps manage a women’s cycle and stimulates the ovaries to produce eggs. When a women goes into menopause she is running out of eggs in her ovaries. The brain senses that there is a low estrogen environment - and signals the pituitary to make more FSH hormone. More FSH is released from the pituitary in an attempt to stimulate the ovaries to produce a good follicle and estrogen hormone.
In conclusion, the lower the FSH the better. According to this web site recommended in many infertility forums, less than 9 is normal, between 9 and 11 is fair, 11-15 is reduced ovarian reserve, etc. Another thing to keep in mind is that the higher the FSH is, it tends to indicate lower quality of the eggs, and that your FSH is as bad as the worse result, a lower number in different cycles is not a sign of getting better.

What is Luteinizing Hormone (LH)?
LH is a hormone released by the pituitary gland. In women, an increase in LH level at mid-cycle causes release of eggs (ovulation). On day 3 (when the FSH is measured) a normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS. If your FSH level is much higher than your LH level, then this suggests poor ovarian reserve.

What is Anti-mullerian hormone (AMH)?
AMH is a substance produced by granulosa cells in ovarian follicles. Since AMH is produced only in small ovarian follicles, blood levels of this substance have been used to attempt to measure the size of the pool of growing follicles in women. Therefore, AMH blood levels are thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply - or "ovarian reserve".

These are my numbers in previous cycles:
* February 2014: FSH - 8.4. LH - 4.6 (Investigative)
* June 2014: FSH - 7.2. LH - 4.9 (IUI)
* July 2014: FSH - 6.4. LH - 2.7 (IUI)
* November 2014: FSH - 10.6. LH - 3.9 (IUI)
* March 2015: FSH - 6.7. LH - 4.3 (IVF)
* June 2015: FSH - 11.5. LH - 5.2 (FET)
* August 2015: FSH - ? . LH - ?. AMH - 5.8pmol/L (Investigative)

Putting it all together:
* My worse FSH (that I know) was 11.5
* My FSH to LH level is between 1:2 and 1:3
* My AMH came back as low ovarian reserve

With all these numbers it shows I don't have that many eggs left and the ones I do have don't have a really good quality. When I was at my other clinic they knew my FSH and LH levels, indicating low quality and never said anything about that, plus refused to run the AMH test to confirm! The third IUI should not have happened either, I think it was a money grab given the numbers. The FET I can understand because we didn't care about my eggs at that point. It's frustrating that some clinics won't give you the whole truth :-(

Well, next week I should have my blood tests again and we shall see what my FSH and LH are (did they get worse?), but at least I am going to this IVF with open eyes, chances are low, but there is hope!


Tuesday 3 November 2015

Beginning the process again

https://society6.com/product/confusion-yrg_print#1=45
Well, the process has started for me. We are not in a cycle yet, still a week or so to go, but my brain and heart know what's coming and they are making me pay for it already.

Last week I didn't feel like working and didn't feel pretty, then on the weekend I started triggering. Saturday I started to see all these new pregnant women in our TV shows, Sunday I almost lost it at a baby dedication at my church and then spent the whole day being triggered by family comments, like yet another pregnant cousin.

The funny thing was the moment I almost completely started bawling, during the first episode of Super Girl. Even if you haven't watch it I don't think it would be a spoiler to say that she saves some people during the episode. So here I am having dinner with J and watching the episode when Super Girl goes and starts working on saving these people and I just completely choked. My heart was a mess, I couldn't swallow, my eyes were watery and I am going crazy because I want to cry THIS MUCH during something so simple and not because of the scene.

I manage to keep it together, finish eating, continue baking and the episode ends. I am waiting on the muffins in the oven so decide to sit in the couch with J and then lost it. I start crying just a bit, then some more until I am a complete mess, bawling and crying my eyes out; J just hugs me, knowing that asking is futile.

Eventually I calm down, happy that I was calm enough for J to take the muffins out of the oven so I don't cry this time about that. We talked about everything in my head but I specially blurted out how "I thought I had moved on". The problem was that I was being triggered so much, which I didn't expect, and then when I almost cried during Super Girl I started wondering if I was sentimental because we are actually pregnant this month. Yeah, that happened, I started wondering again with no basis whatsoever except "I was sentimental" :-(

I am not crying so far but I am asking for help. If this is before starting the process, I can only imagine how much worse this new IVF is going to make it. It is all worth it right?

Tuesday 27 October 2015

Starting Over

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I won't go into detail about everything because it would be very convoluted, but I will concentrate about the immediate next step, another IVF.

After a lot of talking and thinking, we decided to change clinics. We are now at a new clinic where the doctor seems more knowledgeable and with better communication skills, plus his treatments are adjusted to the patient, what a novel concept! (I know, I am being sarcastic, I have learned so much).

In this new clinic they actually did the test to find out my ovarian reserve, which all this time I was pretty sure was the reason of our problems. My AMH came back at 5.8, which according to the chart the doctor showed us is "Low Ovarian Reserve". The doctor is not really optimistic of our chances and recommended egg donation or adoption, but still gave us hope about what he would do different should we want to try again.

So we are trying again! We are doing our last IVF this November in this new clinic. We are starting monitoring and stimulation on day 2 instead of day 3, we are doing ICSI and we hope to transfer 3 day 2 embryos! Yes, 3 embryos. Even though it is scary to think that all 3 might work out, it just shows how little hope our doctor has on my eggs.

We are taking it one day at a time, have the money saved, not thinking about what to do if all 3 implant or not, or how many eggs I'm going to produce and how many embryos we are going to have. None of it, I know it will come but for now I am still on the bliss of knowing that I am not getting injected right now, and that I don't have a crazy daily schedule to follow, and that December will be a new start whatever happens in November.

This is it, our last chance actively trying at a fertility clinic. Only God knows what the outcome will be.

Thursday 2 July 2015

Where have you gone?


Where have you gone my sweet little angel?
A speck of light and hope frozen in time
You were inside my warm and embrace
But left us to mourn you in the dimmed lights


Where have you gone my sweet little angel?
The hope and the dreams born in my heart
An empty space that has no ending
The tears that flow through my empty palms


Where have you gone my sweet little angel?
I'm looking for you in every side of the line
We want you to know we are still waiting
We want you to know you are loved, you are in our hearts


Where have you gone my sweet little angel?
My tears and our hugs are all that we have
We miss you, we need you
You are all that we are


Where have you gone my sweet little angel?
Make us parents of your sweet little heart
We are tired of waiting and waiting 
A miracle is what you are


Where have you gone my sweet little angel?
Donde te has ido mi dulce angelito?
Our tears is all you have left in our broken hearts.

Friday 26 June 2015

Hope is a strange thing


I am in the 2 week wait again, in the waiting hell we have to live going through this process. We did the transfer last week and the pregnancy test is next week. Meanwhile I just go insane thinking of the possibilities and feeling all the cramps, nervousness, nausea, and bad sleeping. Hoping against reason that this is it, that all I'm feeling is because we are pregnant and not because I'm getting my period or using progesterone.

I hope this is it, but it's so hard to keep positive with so many failed cycles, or when I keep feeling that every moment now I'll get my period. I have read so many of the symptoms of a positive cycle and they are silly. They are the exact same symptoms as a negative cycle, just with a possible happy ending.

Right now I'm using Progesterone suppositories 3 times a day, which yes, I do end up having to do at least 1 at work because that's where I am during the day. It adds a certain element of distress having to do that in a public bathroom. I am feeling nauseous, because I'm getting my period or because I'm pregnant? I am feeling cramps, because my uterus is expanding with life or because is preparing to shed? I am feeling anxious, and stressed. There is no happy or relaxed at this moment. I just keep waiting for the hammer to fall. The moment I go "there you are, I guess now I know the result of this cycle" but I don't want that! I hate that :(

I also ate pineapple core because so many people talking about it got to me, but granted I did it only for 4 days. I keep my feet warm even though I prefer them cold, and I drink only room temperature water because life does that to you while going through this. It makes you do things you don't believe in just because you are desperate, and you are willing to try anything and everything.

I try to keep a smile on my face and not to cry, to come to work even though I don't want to get out of bed, to keep living even though I want to sleep until the end of the cycle. I want to know and I want this to work. This is our last chance for now. If this doesn't work we'll chance clinics, run tests again and see if maybe we spend 5 figures again to try one more time. We start the adoption process so we don't wait forever for a chance that might not come. We understand the realities better, that IVF does not work for everyone and worse of all it doesn't even work for someone that technically is perfectly healthy.

If this work, our life as we know it will be different and will be the happiest life ever, because our miracle will be coming to us.

Monday 8 June 2015

FET or how to feel crazy when not in drugs


This is how I feel. Like a little girl doing a peace offering to a giant and strange thing. Every time I am in this place I am reminded of this image, it just comes naturally. Can the giant being be nice to me just once, or is going to continue ignoring me or crushing me?

I am in the middle of a natural FET or unmedicated cycle. Basically I go for day 3 ultrasounds and blood work, then go back again on day 9 and every day after that until I ovulate. After they see I ovulate, I start the progesterone and come back on day 7 after ovulation for my baby's transfer. Then its the 2 weeks from hell all over again.

I thought this would be a much easier cycle, at least at the beginning, because I don't have to face injections, or be pumped in drugs, bloated and having all sort of side effects. It's just a normal month but I go for ultrasounds and blood work when necessary. I thought wrong.

Even though I don't miss all the side effects and injections, my mental state is as bad as the other cycles. I can't stop thinking about the cycle, the "what if"s, what's going on my body, and checking the results of the tests in the mornings. I keep wondering if I should go sugar free, eat pineapple core, never be barefoot, and just get into the train of all the crazy things we try when we are desperate. I feel extremely tired, sad, worried, distracted, and just want to cry.

There is no reason to cry, we are just in a cycle, a possibility of pregnancy, a few days of being PUPO again. Yet there is a chance of failure, of this baby not implanting, of this baby not even thawing, of being "pregnant" for a few days and get bad news at the end, of losing hope.

We have plan B and plan C. Change fertility clinics and adoption. I would be perfectly happy with adoption, but I am scared of the waiting times, and being so close I can touch the dream but end up shattered at the end. I have hope on the second fertility clinic, but again is a shot in the dark, just more chances of maybe working.

I hate infertility. I hate I have to go through this. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it's going to get better, or I am very strong and that's why God trusts me with this. I am tired. I am happy I have all the support I have but I am tired and want to be able to have my one miracle. Just one. As much as I would like more than one kid, my 1 miracle is all I need. It is going to be interesting if we managed to get there, at this rate I feel I will totally call the kid "My Miracle". Imagine being 30 year old and say "Hi, my name is My Miracle, nice to meet you". Never mind 30s, just go through puberty with that one. But I don't care, I want this, I am being irrational and that's ok, I am allowed. This has been a LONG and painful journey so I am allowed to be silly and irrational and mentally unstable for a bit. I know I will feel better again.

Friday 17 April 2015

Would you tell someone you were infertile?

Today I found this really good article called Would you tell someone you were infertile?

The thing I liked the most about it is that people seem to talk more about the subject when they have overcome infertility one way or another. We don't hear about celebrities struggling with infertility, we hear about them having kids with surrogates, donor eggs, or adopting. And that's if we hear about it at all.

Where are the non success stories? As me, there are so many women struggling with infertility and with no happy ending yet. We hide in forums, and in some blogs. We might tell some close friends and family, but that's it. You don't hear about us in the news struggling to get the money for one more treatment, or about the suffering that we endure. You rarely hear about infertility classified as a medical condition with suffering equivalent to cancer, but it is there, it is real.

I am not asking that news should report about it, but it's not in TV, or movies. It is not talked about.

I do not have cable at home, but this week I stayed at a hotel for 2 nights and tried to watch TLC. The 2 main TV shows the whole time I was able to watch TV? "19 kids and counting" and "I didn't know I was pregnant". Basically everyone can have kids with only thinking about it? Where are shows like "Infertile and struggling" or "Fighting against time: An infertile journey", or my favourite name I read in a forum "Womb warriors".

Where do we fit in a society that expects you to be able to get pregnant just because you are a woman, and expects you to be a dad just because you are married?. Mother's day, father's day, church family events oriented to kids, company "bring your kids!" events. We sit on the sidelines watching and mourning. We mourn every month, we mourn every lost, we mourn every time we see a baby or a pregnant woman. We suffer in silence and wish people at the work event would just stop talking about their kids, or to please stop sending email after email about the surprise baby shower for X just because I am a woman. Stop. Being a mother is a wonderful thing, I know it, I am a mother at heart, but please stop alienating me and reminding me so much.

Thursday 16 April 2015

Monday 6 April 2015

The strength to go on, and the strength to stop

A lot of people talk about how much strength it takes to go on in this process, to try one more time, to give it just one more shot. I believe it takes incredible amounts of strength to stop too. To not try one more time and accept, to accept life as-is and stop trying to change it, to believe there is something else out there besides our current goal.

I am being forced again and again to contemplate that future. A future where I stop.

Before I started IVF I remember thinking how much I admired the women that didn't give up and tried one more time. Right now I don't know if I admire them, but I know I admire the women that decide to stop. The women that decide not to try IVF again and change their path. The women that decide to live life and stop trying to change it.

One IVF is enough for me. I don't know the outcome yet, but I am forced to see a future after this. I am forced to think about plan B and plan C. I have hope but hope is low. The light is low and everything is dimmed. Even though I feel like the light is gone, I feel comfort about going back to my life. To being happy again. To stop trying and let the future come.

God, I give up, I surrender. I had put my will on you, I decided to stop worrying and leave it all in your hands. Today I surrender. Today I not only put my future in your hands, and let you take care of it. Today I tell you that I will stop fighting. I will let you guide me. I will let you take me wherever you had planned all along.


I surrender.

Wednesday 1 April 2015

Two week wait... again

And here we are, in the 2 week wait again. Thinking of every little thing going on in my body, obsessing, reading about it, worrying about it. This wait has been a lot better than the previous cycles, I think I'm a bit more relaxed and feel more deeply that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome at this point. I know I'm not even half way through it (but more than a third!!) but last time I was obsessing since day 1.

Today is day 5, which can be read 5dp5dt in the forums. 5 days past 5 day transfer. Instead of thinking that I have to wait week and a half to know if it works, I'm concentrated on making it until this Thursday that I have acupuncture and Friday that I have an ultrasound.

Even like that the wait it's not easy. If I'm not completely engrossed on whatever I'm doing, I'm thinking about it. For example all these days I have been keeping an eye on my OHSS, but today I woke up feeling much better. So I have pretty much spent all day reading about the possibility of OHSS getting better but still being pregnant. Obsessive.

If I'm home I can distract myself, but the car and the office are the worse. In the car I feel the temptation of talking with J about it. At work I don't actually do work and browse all day for answers, write and read in forums, and in general feel annoyed that I can't be home. J keeps insisting that I take days off, but this is just starting!! I know that's it's silly that I don't take days off work and still don't work in the office, but at least I'm here. I can be available and I do try every so often, it's just hard.
Julia Wertz
I have seen lots of ideas to make it go faster, but what to do when you are stuck in the office and don't want to work? I should remove my Internet xD Maybe that will make me concentrate on work :)

The infinite wait continues.

Monday 30 March 2015

Pregnant until proven otherwise

Friday was our transfer day. I wore green socks to symbolize life, new, hope.

I had acupuncture before anything else, so it would relax me and prepare my body to receive a new little life. I also had to start drinking water so my bladder would be full at transfer time. Relax, relax, think sticky thoughts.

Our transfer was scheduled for 9:30 and they told us to be there at 9:10. As soon as we got there, I needed to change to my new outfit, A.K.A. just socks and the hospital gowns. Next the embryologist introduced himself (different to the retrieval one) and told us nonchalantly that we were transferring a good hatching embryo, one had arrested and one was being cultivated to see if it could be frozen the next day. "Please sign here" hahaha

So wait, you just told me I'm getting pregnant today with one beautiful new life my husband and me (and technically him) created, I lost one baby and one might still have a chance? Can I have one minute of "Oh my God!", translate all this to my freaking out head, and feel happy and sad at the same time? I signed, turned to J in disbelief and I think I said "we have one!", and "might still have another one!". That's all I could utter, while trying to calm myself down.

Next they walked me to the OR (everything is happening so fast!) and they started an ultrasound. My uterus, my belly, the ribs, seat down, breath, exhale, lay down again, seat down again, wow. I found out after that they had found fluid in my belly and my chest, yeay OHSS. So I'm hyperstimulating, my follicles are leaking and now I have a little bit of fluid where it shouldn't. No big deal, I feel fine, just please don't cancel the transfer, please don't cancel the transfer.

At the end they decided to go ahead. They didn't give me any pictures of my baby, but this is approximately how it would have looked on day 5.
The cells are not separated any more and can't be counted. Is one entity, one baby, one perfect mix.

They introduced a catheter and the embryologist prepared the embryo in a syringe between 2 bubbles with a thinner catheter. They then introduced the thinner catheter in the big one, and we got to see where it was placed in my uterus through the ultrasound screen. The embryo is too little to be seen in the screen, but you can follow the 2 bubbles during their journey and you know your little bubble baby is so small and light it fits perfectly snuggled in the middle.

Once the bubbles make it to the uterus, the embryologist goes back to the lab and checks the embryo is not longer in the syringe. They are very sticky so they have to make sure it sticks inside you, not outside!. After that everyone smiles, they take the catheter out, and they let you go to the washroom and home. In my case they also gave me a sheet to follow my weight, waist, liquid ingest, etc. to keep an eye on the OHSS.

I went to acupuncture again, then left J at work, went home and relaxed all day knowing that now I had our little baby inside me. I am PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise), pseudo-pregnant, pregnant. I have a Schrodinger's baby, it's both there and not there. I have another life inside me, maybe sticking and implanting, maybe not. It feels very weird, knowing that a pregnancy test will decide if I have been pregnant "for weeks" (positive) or never pregnant at all (negative).

That little life is inside me, there is no question about that. I keep relaxed, I pray about it, I think about it. No matter what you want to call it, it's there, and I just hope it decides to stay and grow, and I can someday meet him/her in person.

As per our little embryo being "cultivated". It made it! We have a frozen baby, a frostie, a little one inside and a little one in a freezer waiting for us. We hope to meet our little flower in the future, just hope we have to wait a year from now, meet it's older brother or sister first and then unfreeze him and give him/her a warm home.

Wednesday 25 March 2015

And then there were 3

When I got the call on Monday I was brushing my teeth, so I had to run to the phone and J had picked up the call and got the conversation. On Tuesday I was a bit more prepared and still got the call when I was in the shower, but since I had my phone just outside, dried my hands and picked up the phone myself. Today I refused to brush my teeth or shower until I got the call LOL. I waited and waited and waited. Gave up, gave the phone to J and went to get ready. Finished getting ready and came back to J to complain they had not called today, and then I got the call.

"Three are still dividing". With happiness that we still had something, and scared that we had lost one more, I asked the embryologist what were the chances of some making it until Friday. I heard "It's a slim chance, you should have something to transfer on Friday". Say what? Slim or not? I asked him to repeat again and he said "yes, you should be able to have the transfer on Friday, see you then". I hung the phone and asked J "did you hear the call?", and he said yes, so I asked him if I had heard right. He said the second part, that we should be able to get something on Friday. He also said the embryologist never said anything about a slim chance.... Did I go crazy? was my brain so set on bad news? Did he said "good chance" and I mistranslated in my head? It doesn't matter now, but weird nonetheless.

So this how my 3 babies could be looking right now, having 8 to 10 cells and starting to compact:

We don't get any updates tomorrow as they don't like bothering them on day 4, but if we are lucky, this is how they would be looking tomorrow:

I have been thinking off and on about the reasons we are loosing them, about what would happen if it doesn't work, if I would go through this again. I try to stop me though, and J tries to stop me. It's hard but I do need to concentrate as much as possible on one day at a time. Today I try to work and get rest, tomorrow I repeat. Friday I am debating taking the morning off or taking the whole day. Good or bad news, I might not want to be at the office. We'll see, for now, we just wait one more day and pray for those 3 little embryos.

Tuesday 24 March 2015

When is a baby a baby?

Cuándo es un bebé un bebé?

Is it when it's born and you hold it and cuddle in your arms?
Es cuando nace y lo abrazas y sostienes en tus brazos?

Is it when you feel it kicking in your belly and think of the day you will hold it in your arms?
Es cuando lo sientes patear and tu barriga y piensas en el día que lo tendrás en tus brazos?

Is it when you hear his heart beat and you know there is a second heart inside you?
Es cuando escuchas su corazón y sabes que hay un segundo corazón dentro de ti?

Is it the moment you hear you are pregnant and hopes and dreams come rushing at you?
Es en el momento que escuchas que estas embarazada y las esperanzas y sueños vienen corriendo a ti?

Is it when an embryo has grown in a petri dish and it's put inside of you?
Es cuando el embrio ha crecido en un platico de petri y puesto dentro de ti?

Is it when a piece of your husband and you are combined together to create something magically new?
Es cuando una parte de tu esposo y tuya son combinadas para crear algo mágico y nuevo?

Is it when it has grown in your heart and still a thought?
Es cuando ha crecido en tu corazón y todavia un pensamiento?

My baby has been my baby since I had it in my heart.
Mi bebé ha sido mi bebé desde que lo tuve en mi corazón.

My baby has been my baby since I wrote to it, and tried for it.
Mi bebé ha sido mi bebé desde que le escribí e intenté tenerlo.

My baby has been my baby since I started going through injections, no sleep nights, nauseas, bruises and pain.
Mi bebé ha sido mi bebé desde que comenzé a tener inyecciones, noches sin sueño, nauseas, morados y dolor.

My babies have been my babies since my husband and me created FIVE.
Mis bebés han sido mis bebés desde que mi esposo y yo creamos CINCO.

We have lost one baby since we heard only FOUR have survived so far.
Hemos perdido un bebé desde que escuchamos que solo CUATRO han sobrevivido hasta ahora.

My babies are still my babies growing in a lab. They are in my heart, they are in my soul, they are in my thoughts, they are mine.
Mis bebés son todavía mis bebés creciendo en un laboratorio. Están en mi corazón, están en mi alma, están en mis pensamientos, son mios.

I grieve and cry for that loss. I grieve and cry for the baby that is no more. I grieve and cry for the baby that did not multiply. I grieve and cry for the baby that I won't ever know.
Me duele y lloro por esa perdida. Me duele y lloro por el bebé que ya no existe. Me duele y lloro por el bebé que no se multiplicó. Me duele y lloro por el bebé que nunca conoceré.

I pray for my 4 little babies in the lab. I pray for my 4 to multiply. I pray for the hands that are taking care of them. I pray for God to hear my cry.
Rezo por mis 4 pequeños bebés en el laboratorio. Rezo por mis 4 para que se multipliquen. Rezo por las manos que cuidan de ellos. Rezo para que Dios escuche mis lamentos.

Day 2 post ER

On Friday I had my HCG trigger at 8:30pm. We connected on Skype with my mom and my youngest sister and J gave me the injection. I had almost no pain, and it was his best injection yet, no bruise whatsoever, he is getting better at this LOL My mom and my sister were also very happy to be part of the process somehow :)

On Saturday we went to visit J's parents and to buy me new socks! All of my socks are white, and I wanted special socks for the retrieval and the transfer. I guess it's just something special, something I can do. So we bought at Walmart a pack of colourful socks that give me lots of options. I decided to go orange for the retrieval, they were very bright, very happy, and gave me a sunshine kind of vibe!

On Sunday we went for the retrieval. We arrived there at 7:30am and they prepared us for everything coming. They asked me to strip of everything but my socks, yeay for new socks! And gave me something to wear. Took my blood pressure and temperature and prepared to put my IV. Now, I have thin rolling veins, I told this to the nurse, and she still had a very hard time putting the IV. She was able to hook it on the third spot she tried, on the 4th try. Sigh...

After that it was waiting for the doctor and time for J to do his part of the job and change to his new fancy clothes. He looked like a doctor! And he looked at me funny when I mentioned maybe taking a picture of him like that LOL so no pics :) Also had to go to the washroom 2 times while I was there! I hadn't drink a drop of water since 9pm the day before, or eaten anything, and still had to go twice! The nurses were very nice about it though and there was no problem about that.

At 8:30 the doctor arrived and they walked me to the OR. The had me lay down and put my legs on the stirrups (good bye shame!) and they gave me something to make me loopy. They had told me I would feel pressure and pain, but would not care much about it. After that everything is kinda blurry. I thought it lasted about 5 minutes, I had lots of pain that I transferred to J by pressing his hand, and I know I stopped breathing a few times. Not like they had to bring me back or anything, just would hold my breath until the nurse would tell me to please let go of it, or take another breath. The pressure and pain were a LOT. While the doctor was searching for my follicles and my eggs, they would count how many he was getting, which was exciting!.

J told me it actually took between 20 and 30 minutes, not 5, and that the needle was massive! (That explains the pain). He got to see my follicles in the monitor, the liquid extracted, and everything happening around me, so that was interesting :) When I had 3 eggs extracted I said "now we can have 3 kids", and the doctor and nurses all looked confused LOL

After the procedure was done, they walked me out of the room to the recovery area and told us they had retrieved 11 eggs. That was a shock to me as I thought they would get only 6. I cried a bit and they kept the blood pressure monitoring on me. They also brought me a heat pad, a cookie and a Ginger Ale as a "prize". Since I was very loopy, J would feed me and give me to drink and just bare with whatever craziness I was saying or doing. He said he had a hard time not bursting out laughing with some of the things I said :D

So, 42 puncture marks into the process (not counting big IVF extraction needle), we were done and were allowed to go home and rest. They would call Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to let us know about the status of our embryos and so far the transfer would be on Friday.

Sunday I had a lot of pain at home, but nothing I could not handle with a heat pad, Tylenol and lying down. Plus J was awesome taking care of me. I also had to start the progesterone once at home, and continue the antibiotic I had to start on Saturday (ends today!). On Monday morning we received 2 calls, one from the embryologist and one from the nurse. The nurse wanted to know how I was doing, and told us the transfer was scheduled for Friday at 9:30 am but they would confirm to us on Thursday or let us know if there were any changes. The embryologist told us that 5 eggs had fertilized "normal". 5 out of 11. I know it doesn't sound like much, but we were happy about that. I was expecting 6 retrieved and maybe 4 or 3 fertilized, so 5 out of 11 was good enough :)

Today is day 2 of my little embryos and this is how they are supposed to look:
I also found this blog that explains every day of the embryo cycle which I liked: http://fertilitylabinsider.com/2010/11/embryo-stages-progression/ so feel free to visit and read if you are curious and don't know about it.

Today the embryologist called and said we have "4 embryos dividing". It's still a good number, since we "only" lost 1, but the news still hit me pretty hard. I cried this morning, feeling the loss and the death of one of our precious embryos. Even though we knew not all of them would make it to Friday, it was still very hard to hear this and to feel it.

Today I pray for those little 4 embies, may they divide and grow. I pray for God to keep them healthy and multiplying, for those 4 embies to make it one more day and maybe until Friday. I pray for strength to hold until tomorrow, and for tomorrow's call about one more day. I pray we have at least 1 on Friday and maybe 1 to freeze. I pray for this cycle to work and give us a wonderful Amanda or Miguel.

Monday 16 March 2015

19 punctures and counting


Today was day 8 of my cycle, which means day 5 of stimulation! Time flies by, and goes abnormally slow when you are in this process. I have 19 puncture marks on my body, 4 on my right arm from taking blood, 1 on my left arm since the right one looks like it will fall apart with one more needle, and 14 marks and a bruise on my stomach!

Nineteen marks that show I am doing everything I can to get pregnant. 19 marks ready to become 23 or 24 tomorrow. 19 marks that show my conviction and determination. 19 marks that remind me of what we are doing every time my clothes press against my stomach or I sit too fast. The marks and the pain are constant reminders of what we are doing.

I have hope this cycle, I have so much hope, so much illusion, so much faith.

My follicles are doing great! I have more than 14 follicles total that they can count, and of those 7 are between 10 and 14mm  in size. SEVEN! I have 4 on the left side and 3 on the right side with those sizes. I joke with J and tell him we could have seven kids LOL I know not all might have eggs, and I know not all might be mature enough when the time comes, and not all might fertilize and not all embies will make it to day 5, but I also know that God is big, He is HUGE, and He is listening. So I have hope.

Not my picture, but each red dot represents a follicle, in this case 16 of them in 1 ovary.
These ones are between 2 and 8mm, so 7 of mine are bigger, and about this many are divided in 2 ovaries.


Tomorrow is another day of waking up at 6 in the morning so I can be at the doctor at 7am. Today marks 6 straight days of waking up early to be pinched and probed, and you know what? I am extremely happy. Not necessarily happy of getting pinched or having my blood taken, or waking up that early, but I am happy that my body is doing great. I am happy that my heart is happy. I am happy that my brain is excited and calm. I am happy that the moment is coming, and maybe, just maybe half of Amanda or Miguel is already growing inside me.

Friday 13 March 2015

Day 4 and counting

Today is my cycle's day 4, which means second day of stimulation. The money has been paid, my shame has been thrown out of the window and my body has 6 new puncture marks. Yesterday I went to the clinic for my first day of appointments, paid for some of the medicines (more of this ahead) and the IVF cycle (so many zero's in my credit card!), had the ultrasounds and got poked and probed.

I am getting 300 units of Gonal F and 75 units of Bravelle a day, full on throttle. In my IUIs I had 75 units of Gonal F only, and got upped to 150 units at one point when I wasn't performing up to expectations (shame on me!). So now I'm getting headaches that I didn't expect, but still not crying, so yeay me! I had had two blood tests and 3 ultrasounds, but I haven't looked at the results from today. The good news is that my FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) went from 10.6 last cycle to 6 this cycle!! Ten or more is not good, it means you won't produce too many eggs and you might have DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve), so going back down to 6 makes me extremely happy.

Money wise I'm incredibly happy. Even though we had to pay so much money for the IVF, we were expecting it. The drugs on the other hand can get out of hand. My nurse had offered to send a letter to the pharmaceutical companies to see if they could give me some of the medicines for free. This would have never crossed my mind, and I welcomed the offer in a second. Yesterday I got the run down of the medicines and got a bunch free! So I already know I'm saving $1K in medicines thanks to the donations from the companies and my fabulous nurse :)

One thousand may not seem as much when you are spending that much money, but we are talking our savings here! Even $100 is a very appreciated gesture. At work they are also helping us. I had a debt that I was slowing paying from the loan they gave us for the first 2 IUIs and they waved it! Basically we had 1 and a half IUIs for free, plus the 75% third IUI they paid, so we have been very blessed with "small" debts in our pursue of a little bundle of joy.

How am I taking this cycle? One day at a time. Even the thought of making decisions of what to do with our frozen embryos (filling out forms by Monday) is a little overwhelming. We had already decided most of it before hand since I knew it was coming, but I'm still undecided if we would want to donate embryos to other couples if the situation arises. Otherwise I have my acupuncture appointments set-up, my counselling appointments every week, and my friends and family in standby and help mode ON. My road ahead today is to end today in a good note, hopefully without a headache and being able to go to the gym, and going to my next appointment tomorrow bright and early. Small expectations, Big progress.

Wednesday 4 March 2015

Drum rolls please, IVF is on its way!

I'm about to start my IVF cycle... yeay!! What's frustrating is that tomorrow is my day 26, so I should get my period any moment then. According to my painful ovulation date I am more probably to get it on Sunday or Monday, so I get to start IVF next week. Here is the catch though: I have been soooo nauseous today :( So my brain is all over the place between "am I miraculously pregnant?" and "I'm probably just getting my period". The thing is that knowing my ovulation and that my period is still a few days away, the "miraculously pregnant" gains more traction in my head, and that it will hurt more when I confirm I am not. So frustrating.

Besides that I'm anxious and nervous. I want to be excited but I am way too scared to be excited. I am happy we can go through with it this month, so I hope to have answers soon. I am scared of it not working, and even more scared of it not working and have no clue on why. We can't afford many attempts and I really don't know what we'll do if it fails.

J is also going out of the country while I'm on my 2 week wait, for 3 weeks!!! So according to the plans right now, he won't be here to find out if it worked. We talked about it and he might ask to be waived the first week so he can be here on that date. That makes me feel much better but still scares me he has to leave so soon. "What if I'm pregnant and we lose it while he is away?", "what if we fail and we can't meet with the doctor until he is back?", and the one I would prefer "what if it works and I'm feeling sick and he is not here to make me feel better?".

I know he wants to be here. It is so very painful for him that he has to go. I can see it in his eyes that he would quit today only to be here with me during the whole process. But he is strong and he will go, and I am strong and I will survive, and we both will be OK at the end. We have been building an awesome support network around us, from therapist to friends and family. I know I'll have all the support I want. It will be a lot harder for him and I will have to do my best not to make it even harder.

At the end we are almost there. We'll be doing IVF and hopefully have a baby at the end of that tunnel. Call it test-tube baby, Petri dish baby, or anything you want, it would be ours. I am praying, I am wishing, I am dreaming, I have hope. The injections, blood tests and ultrasounds are about to start. The early mornings, the pain, the bruises, the stress and frustrations are almost here and I welcome them, because I will soon know if the 7 pills a day have been helpful, if the money we are about to kiss goodbye is worth it, and if our lives will change forever.

Monday 23 February 2015

Sigh...


My sister is pregnant.

In my head it feels like one of those show confessions that shock everyone. Whenever I say it in my head I hear people gasp and awe. I think it's just me getting over the constant shock. I have know for a while now and I still can't fully believe it. It's like I'm in this weird dream and things are not going quite right. She is pregnant and now she is planning her wedding. What happened with me after so long being married and trying, what did she do different? I know she is a completely different person, and I know in cold terms that it's a different situation, but my emotional self just screams at it.

I am both happy and sad. I am happy for her, I truly am, but I am soooo sad for us. All the grieving I do in a constant basis is now exponential. Not only I haven't had a kid, but now I won't be giving my parents their first grandchild. Not only I haven't had a baby, but now my mom is going out with my sister to buy baby stuff. I don't have that, and given that we are in different countries, I won't have that even if/when the time comes. I grieve for what I haven't had, and I grieve for all the firsts in my family I won't be able to ever have. I feel so crappy when I think like that, but my family has been very understanding and supportive. It's just hard to let go of things you have grown up with all your life. If you are the oldest sibling, you are the one that is supposed to give your parents most of their firsts. If you are trying to get pregnant, you are supposed to be able to have a baby. If you want kids, you are supposed to be fertile. Life can be so unfair.

On the other hand I am ready to continue trying. We'll be doing IVF soon and we won't let work stop us this time. March will be a very interesting month filled with dread and possibility. April will be a "what now" month with answers. I am ready, I want this, I need this.

Sunday 4 January 2015

People

I volunteer every other Sunday at church at the nursery. I have been doing it for years with a break when it was more harm than good. Right now is good for me. I get to spend time hugging and playing with beautiful babies that give me great smiles. I also volunteer with an amazing friend and we get to talk a lot.
Today my friend was sick and I volunteered with one of the moms. She is not just a mom, she also volunteers with the older kids and today helped in the nursery because her baby is there. Her third kid.
It wasn't a really good day for me. I got to play with the babies and have fun with them but the other volunteer was feeling sick. That's not so bad except she actually told me twice in that one hour that she preferred to be sick than being pregnant again. Or that even though another kid would be a blessing, she definitely doesn't want another one, and other comments like that.
I smiled, distracted myself, changed the subject, anything but acknowledge her. Such a painful comment. The fact that I didn't scream or cry is almost a miracle. It speaks mountains to how well I'm feeling right now. I should be mad, I should be depressed, but I'm just a bit upset at just another insensitive comment.
I have faith, I have hope. This is not the end.