Friday, 26 June 2015

Hope is a strange thing

I am in the 2 week wait again, in the waiting hell we have to live going through this process. We did the transfer last week and the pregnancy test is next week. Meanwhile I just go insane thinking of the possibilities and feeling all the cramps, nervousness, nausea, and bad sleeping. Hoping against reason that this is it, that all I'm feeling is because we are pregnant and not because I'm getting my period or using progesterone.

I hope this is it, but it's so hard to keep positive with so many failed cycles, or when I keep feeling that every moment now I'll get my period. I have read so many of the symptoms of a positive cycle and they are silly. They are the exact same symptoms as a negative cycle, just with a possible happy ending.

Right now I'm using Progesterone suppositories 3 times a day, which yes, I do end up having to do at least 1 at work because that's where I am during the day. It adds a certain element of distress having to do that in a public bathroom. I am feeling nauseous, because I'm getting my period or because I'm pregnant? I am feeling cramps, because my uterus is expanding with life or because is preparing to shed? I am feeling anxious, and stressed. There is no happy or relaxed at this moment. I just keep waiting for the hammer to fall. The moment I go "there you are, I guess now I know the result of this cycle" but I don't want that! I hate that :(

I also ate pineapple core because so many people talking about it got to me, but granted I did it only for 4 days. I keep my feet warm even though I prefer them cold, and I drink only room temperature water because life does that to you while going through this. It makes you do things you don't believe in just because you are desperate, and you are willing to try anything and everything.

I try to keep a smile on my face and not to cry, to come to work even though I don't want to get out of bed, to keep living even though I want to sleep until the end of the cycle. I want to know and I want this to work. This is our last chance for now. If this doesn't work we'll chance clinics, run tests again and see if maybe we spend 5 figures again to try one more time. We start the adoption process so we don't wait forever for a chance that might not come. We understand the realities better, that IVF does not work for everyone and worse of all it doesn't even work for someone that technically is perfectly healthy.

If this work, our life as we know it will be different and will be the happiest life ever, because our miracle will be coming to us.