Monday, 8 June 2015

FET or how to feel crazy when not in drugs

This is how I feel. Like a little girl doing a peace offering to a giant and strange thing. Every time I am in this place I am reminded of this image, it just comes naturally. Can the giant being be nice to me just once, or is going to continue ignoring me or crushing me?

I am in the middle of a natural FET or unmedicated cycle. Basically I go for day 3 ultrasounds and blood work, then go back again on day 9 and every day after that until I ovulate. After they see I ovulate, I start the progesterone and come back on day 7 after ovulation for my baby's transfer. Then its the 2 weeks from hell all over again.

I thought this would be a much easier cycle, at least at the beginning, because I don't have to face injections, or be pumped in drugs, bloated and having all sort of side effects. It's just a normal month but I go for ultrasounds and blood work when necessary. I thought wrong.

Even though I don't miss all the side effects and injections, my mental state is as bad as the other cycles. I can't stop thinking about the cycle, the "what if"s, what's going on my body, and checking the results of the tests in the mornings. I keep wondering if I should go sugar free, eat pineapple core, never be barefoot, and just get into the train of all the crazy things we try when we are desperate. I feel extremely tired, sad, worried, distracted, and just want to cry.

There is no reason to cry, we are just in a cycle, a possibility of pregnancy, a few days of being PUPO again. Yet there is a chance of failure, of this baby not implanting, of this baby not even thawing, of being "pregnant" for a few days and get bad news at the end, of losing hope.

We have plan B and plan C. Change fertility clinics and adoption. I would be perfectly happy with adoption, but I am scared of the waiting times, and being so close I can touch the dream but end up shattered at the end. I have hope on the second fertility clinic, but again is a shot in the dark, just more chances of maybe working.

I hate infertility. I hate I have to go through this. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it's going to get better, or I am very strong and that's why God trusts me with this. I am tired. I am happy I have all the support I have but I am tired and want to be able to have my one miracle. Just one. As much as I would like more than one kid, my 1 miracle is all I need. It is going to be interesting if we managed to get there, at this rate I feel I will totally call the kid "My Miracle". Imagine being 30 year old and say "Hi, my name is My Miracle, nice to meet you". Never mind 30s, just go through puberty with that one. But I don't care, I want this, I am being irrational and that's ok, I am allowed. This has been a LONG and painful journey so I am allowed to be silly and irrational and mentally unstable for a bit. I know I will feel better again.