Thursday 23 October 2014

Picture perfect

I volunteer every other Sunday at church with babies. Me and a friend spend the whole service holding, playing and cuddling little babies while their parents get an hour for themselves.

I thought it would be really hard, but it actually feels good. It doesn't make me feel better but it doesn't make me feel worse either. It just feels good to care for them and give their parents a little peace of mind. On the other hand, its much harder when guys are holding babies or playing with them. Could be because it breaks the gender stereotype? Its not hard for me to understand it, its hard for me to see it and not feel pain for J or my dad, or my dad in law.

I'm sooo happy J is not the kind of guy that loves to hold babies. When he plays with kids he is fabulous and I still wish he can do that with our own, but at least it doesn't hurt as much as it does with my dad. My dad loves holding babies, and every time I see his face with one that is not our own, it breaks my heart in a million pieces.

Sometimes I wish my sisters would marry and get pregnant so it makes my parents happy, and so I can have nieces and nephews to adore. Sometimes my sisters getting pregnant when I can't is my worse nightmare. I don't know how I'll handle that, and if I'll have to. For now I put it back at a hidden place in my heart, wish for the best for them, and I'll handle it when/if I have to.

For now I work on taking care of other people's babies without the desire of kidnapping one for myself. I know at the end of the day I wouldn't do something like that, but I think its the easy way to explain how much desire for one I have.

Wednesday 22 October 2014

Innocent comments go wrong, or how not to talk with your not-yet-fertile friend

What kind of campaign would take for people to become more sensitive to fertility problems? Would that ever succeed? Would it ever be better?

I feel like the victim that needs to learn how to live with insensitive comments of how it was my fault. There is nothing I can do to completely get away from them unless I stay at home and never get out again. It has gotten better since I stopped hanging out with friends with kids, but how do you handle being with family?

The other day we were at a lunch with J's family. They had all 3 kids quite frankly "too easy". Nothing against it and I'm happy for them (and for me, they have wonderful kids) but my own mother in law says she cannot relate to me as they got pregnant very easily. Anyhow, we are there and we started counting years of this and years of that. Like, we have been married this many years, and comparisons between the couples. (BIG mistake)

My husband says something like "I got married younger than you did" to his dad and, like a knife to the heart that you see coming and can't stop, his dad said "We had kids faster than you". 

...

I don't know if anyone else even noticed, as the conversation just continued, but I am still hurting, and it was quite a few days ago. I know he didn't do it out of malice, or on purpose, but it hurts. It's not like we are doing it on purpose. And how can I not feel responsible? Would J be a dad already if he were with someone else? I would like to think that no one could make him as happy as me, and I know he loves me so much he doesn't have kids as a condition of us being together, but still hurts, for me and for him.

How can you get used to it? Is it possible?

Tuesday 21 October 2014

Afraid.

So long perfectly timed periods, it was nice knowing you. It has been so long having periods between 26 and 30 days that I actually forgot when that wasn't a constant. Since I stopped the fertility drugs I had a 25 day period (which caught me by surprise and stressed me too much) and this month, a horribly 33 day one.

I kept insisting to myself I knew I wasn't pregnant, the probabilities were not on my side, but come on! 3 days late? It was really hard to convince myself at that point, I started having hope, I started to think it might actually have worked.

I had already decided on Friday that I would go buy a pregnancy test after work. I would do it and I would be ok, but what if it was negative? I could not handle a negative that day, not when I have been apart from J for so long (2 weeks at that point and still counting). But it had been already 33 days! it had to be.

I had a call with J just when I was going to the washroom, that Friday around 3pm, so I decided to wait and talk with him. I was being difficult and we both knew it, he just didn't know why. He asked, I said I wouldn't tell him, and then, like 2 minutes later I start crying. I cried to him on the phone, in a completely different continent, and said "we might be pregnant". He calmed me down, we finished talking and I finally went to the washroom to discover that NO, we were not pregnant.

Was it the crying? Was it that I had my legs crossed for so long? Was something I ate? or something I should have eaten? Is this normal? What did I do??????.... I'm still trying to convince myself that I wasn't pregnant, period. It wasn't something I did or didn't do, I would.just.not.get.pregnant like that.

I'm half better because at least I know. I'm half better because I know logically that I wasn't pregnant to start. I'm half better because I know we are doing another fertility round next month.

But yet again I'm just half better aren't I? I'm scared out of my mind to think about next month and what will happen. I'm even scared of how scary it is for each end of the month even when you are convinced it's not going to happen. I'm scared of not knowing when enough is enough. I'm scared because I don't know how I'm ever going to feel completely good if we don't have children.

I have hope I will be ok. I have hope God will shine a light and give us a happy life with or without kids. I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful family. I'm healthy. I can't complain about anything else, and I'm very grateful about that. So I stick with scared. I'm not mad or depressed, but I am very scared.