Afraid.

So long perfectly timed periods, it was nice knowing you. It has been so long having periods between 26 and 30 days that I actually forgot when that wasn't a constant. Since I stopped the fertility drugs I had a 25 day period (which caught me by surprise and stressed me too much) and this month, a horribly 33 day one.

I kept insisting to myself I knew I wasn't pregnant, the probabilities were not on my side, but come on! 3 days late? It was really hard to convince myself at that point, I started having hope, I started to think it might actually have worked.

I had already decided on Friday that I would go buy a pregnancy test after work. I would do it and I would be ok, but what if it was negative? I could not handle a negative that day, not when I have been apart from J for so long (2 weeks at that point and still counting). But it had been already 33 days! it had to be.

I had a call with J just when I was going to the washroom, that Friday around 3pm, so I decided to wait and talk with him. I was being difficult and we both knew it, he just didn't know why. He asked, I said I wouldn't tell him, and then, like 2 minutes later I start crying. I cried to him on the phone, in a completely different continent, and said "we might be pregnant". He calmed me down, we finished talking and I finally went to the washroom to discover that NO, we were not pregnant.

Was it the crying? Was it that I had my legs crossed for so long? Was something I ate? or something I should have eaten? Is this normal? What did I do??????.... I'm still trying to convince myself that I wasn't pregnant, period. It wasn't something I did or didn't do, I would.just.not.get.pregnant like that.

I'm half better because at least I know. I'm half better because I know logically that I wasn't pregnant to start. I'm half better because I know we are doing another fertility round next month.

But yet again I'm just half better aren't I? I'm scared out of my mind to think about next month and what will happen. I'm even scared of how scary it is for each end of the month even when you are convinced it's not going to happen. I'm scared of not knowing when enough is enough. I'm scared because I don't know how I'm ever going to feel completely good if we don't have children.

I have hope I will be ok. I have hope God will shine a light and give us a happy life with or without kids. I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful family. I'm healthy. I can't complain about anything else, and I'm very grateful about that. So I stick with scared. I'm not mad or depressed, but I am very scared.