Picture perfect

I volunteer every other Sunday at church with babies. Me and a friend spend the whole service holding, playing and cuddling little babies while their parents get an hour for themselves.

I thought it would be really hard, but it actually feels good. It doesn't make me feel better but it doesn't make me feel worse either. It just feels good to care for them and give their parents a little peace of mind. On the other hand, its much harder when guys are holding babies or playing with them. Could be because it breaks the gender stereotype? Its not hard for me to understand it, its hard for me to see it and not feel pain for J or my dad, or my dad in law.

I'm sooo happy J is not the kind of guy that loves to hold babies. When he plays with kids he is fabulous and I still wish he can do that with our own, but at least it doesn't hurt as much as it does with my dad. My dad loves holding babies, and every time I see his face with one that is not our own, it breaks my heart in a million pieces.

Sometimes I wish my sisters would marry and get pregnant so it makes my parents happy, and so I can have nieces and nephews to adore. Sometimes my sisters getting pregnant when I can't is my worse nightmare. I don't know how I'll handle that, and if I'll have to. For now I put it back at a hidden place in my heart, wish for the best for them, and I'll handle it when/if I have to.

For now I work on taking care of other people's babies without the desire of kidnapping one for myself. I know at the end of the day I wouldn't do something like that, but I think its the easy way to explain how much desire for one I have.