Thursday, 4 December 2014

How do you respond?

How do you respond to people when they make comments about your nonexistent kids? How do you respond when you just want to get up and walk away? How do you respond when you have no words left?

I trained to answer the famous question "do you have kids?". I could answer something that would shock people, I could also tell them something like "I can't" and watch them fall silently, but I always answer the same reliable way "not yet".

The problem is the people that have the need to follow up that answer. I have heard a few "don't wait too long", sure, let me start right here and now, "they are worth it/so wonderful", thank you for letting me know, I had no idea!. Today was "you should try it". Good idea! Didn't think of it, wanna talk about trying? I bet you didn't try, it just happened. No one that FIGHTS for this makes that type of comments. Oh, and by the way, "try", what happens if I don't like it?

Sigh...

I'm just so tired, damn if I do, damn if I don't. I don't know how to pray for it anymore. I don't know how to wait anymore. I don't know how I can sit, smile, and move on anymore. That's what I did and now I just want to cry. I just want to know! And I know I don't get to know, not yet.

I'm on my third cycle of IUI. I already had the insemination, and had 2 eggs when I ovulated. It seems like my estrogen was a bit higher too. I also started therapy/counseling, and I'm constantly busy. Yet, I feel like there is an eternity until next Saturday when I get to find out again. I imagine myself sad at the bad news. I imagine myself happy at the news. But I actually feel empty. Imagining me happy doesn't make me happy. Imagining me sad feels like a movie rerun.

And yet, I wait. I wait and wonder how to respond and if I should try it.