Monday, 23 February 2015
My sister is pregnant.
In my head it feels like one of those show confessions that shock everyone. Whenever I say it in my head I hear people gasp and awe. I think it's just me getting over the constant shock. I have know for a while now and I still can't fully believe it. It's like I'm in this weird dream and things are not going quite right. She is pregnant and now she is planning her wedding. What happened with me after so long being married and trying, what did she do different? I know she is a completely different person, and I know in cold terms that it's a different situation, but my emotional self just screams at it.
I am both happy and sad. I am happy for her, I truly am, but I am soooo sad for us. All the grieving I do in a constant basis is now exponential. Not only I haven't had a kid, but now I won't be giving my parents their first grandchild. Not only I haven't had a baby, but now my mom is going out with my sister to buy baby stuff. I don't have that, and given that we are in different countries, I won't have that even if/when the time comes. I grieve for what I haven't had, and I grieve for all the firsts in my family I won't be able to ever have. I feel so crappy when I think like that, but my family has been very understanding and supportive. It's just hard to let go of things you have grown up with all your life. If you are the oldest sibling, you are the one that is supposed to give your parents most of their firsts. If you are trying to get pregnant, you are supposed to be able to have a baby. If you want kids, you are supposed to be fertile. Life can be so unfair.
On the other hand I am ready to continue trying. We'll be doing IVF soon and we won't let work stop us this time. March will be a very interesting month filled with dread and possibility. April will be a "what now" month with answers. I am ready, I want this, I need this.