Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Drum rolls please, IVF is on its way!

I'm about to start my IVF cycle... yeay!! What's frustrating is that tomorrow is my day 26, so I should get my period any moment then. According to my painful ovulation date I am more probably to get it on Sunday or Monday, so I get to start IVF next week. Here is the catch though: I have been soooo nauseous today :( So my brain is all over the place between "am I miraculously pregnant?" and "I'm probably just getting my period". The thing is that knowing my ovulation and that my period is still a few days away, the "miraculously pregnant" gains more traction in my head, and that it will hurt more when I confirm I am not. So frustrating.

Besides that I'm anxious and nervous. I want to be excited but I am way too scared to be excited. I am happy we can go through with it this month, so I hope to have answers soon. I am scared of it not working, and even more scared of it not working and have no clue on why. We can't afford many attempts and I really don't know what we'll do if it fails.

J is also going out of the country while I'm on my 2 week wait, for 3 weeks!!! So according to the plans right now, he won't be here to find out if it worked. We talked about it and he might ask to be waived the first week so he can be here on that date. That makes me feel much better but still scares me he has to leave so soon. "What if I'm pregnant and we lose it while he is away?", "what if we fail and we can't meet with the doctor until he is back?", and the one I would prefer "what if it works and I'm feeling sick and he is not here to make me feel better?".

I know he wants to be here. It is so very painful for him that he has to go. I can see it in his eyes that he would quit today only to be here with me during the whole process. But he is strong and he will go, and I am strong and I will survive, and we both will be OK at the end. We have been building an awesome support network around us, from therapist to friends and family. I know I'll have all the support I want. It will be a lot harder for him and I will have to do my best not to make it even harder.

At the end we are almost there. We'll be doing IVF and hopefully have a baby at the end of that tunnel. Call it test-tube baby, Petri dish baby, or anything you want, it would be ours. I am praying, I am wishing, I am dreaming, I have hope. The injections, blood tests and ultrasounds are about to start. The early mornings, the pain, the bruises, the stress and frustrations are almost here and I welcome them, because I will soon know if the 7 pills a day have been helpful, if the money we are about to kiss goodbye is worth it, and if our lives will change forever.