Thursday, 10 December 2015

24 hours

Can't think today. Yesterday night I started having cramps on and off and it hasn't stopped. Well, it is "off" right at this instant but it is "on" on my mind. I freaked out last night, ran to the washroom, nothing (thankfully), plus I also got a headache so my thought was "cramps, headache, here we go, it's coming now". It hasn't yet, but is it the progesterone and estrogen doing their job? Just a timing thing? Or did the IVF actually work?

It was a really mean joke to make it so the pregnancy symptoms are actually pretty much the same as getting your period, it is not funny or amusing and it's torture. I keep going to the washroom almost every hour, checking. I am going crazy.

Nothing I can do but wait, nothing I can do but worry, nothing I can do but try to have hope on a very hopeless couple of days. I keep running through so many scenarios in my head. When do we tell our parents, when do we tell our friends, should I avoid going to x or y, how can we make it special if it's good news, how can we make it less painful if it is bad news.

The thing is, it doesn't matter how, it will be special if it is good news, it will be special because it has been years and years of suffering, because everyone is cheering for us, because this is one of the most wanted miracles and the most waited for in our families.

On the other hand it will be painful if it's negative, no way around it. It will be painful for us because it would be the end of this dream, it would be painful for our families and it will be torture to tell friends and family. We'll be heartbroken, and we won't know how to keep going for a while. It will be our saddest Christmas yet. We will survive, but it will take a while to pick up the pieces and continue walking.

I debated telling people about this cycle, but I did it in the end because I need to share this painful journey. I need to know I am not alone and there are people out there to hug us and dry our tears. Yet I am now in this place, contemplating how to tell so many people the news if they are bad, how to swallow all the good-intentioned comments that are still going to hurt.

And tomorrow? How long are we going to wait for the call? Until 10? 11? 2pm? Do we work from home so we can receive the news in a private place? Do we come to the office so we can be distracted? Do we come and leave at noon if they haven't called? What if they call while on a meeting? Do I have the will to let the call go to voicemail and concentrate on the meeting?

My heart is breaking already, it is preparing for bad news, and it's making me feel guilty. I should be hopeful right? I should be looking forward to tomorrow, but the fall would be so much harder. 24 hours more, survive that and then it will just be minutes. Or feel a cramp again and freak our again and go to the washroom again to check. 24 hours.