Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Beginning the process again

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Well, the process has started for me. We are not in a cycle yet, still a week or so to go, but my brain and heart know what's coming and they are making me pay for it already.

Last week I didn't feel like working and didn't feel pretty, then on the weekend I started triggering. Saturday I started to see all these new pregnant women in our TV shows, Sunday I almost lost it at a baby dedication at my church and then spent the whole day being triggered by family comments, like yet another pregnant cousin.

The funny thing was the moment I almost completely started bawling, during the first episode of Super Girl. Even if you haven't watch it I don't think it would be a spoiler to say that she saves some people during the episode. So here I am having dinner with J and watching the episode when Super Girl goes and starts working on saving these people and I just completely choked. My heart was a mess, I couldn't swallow, my eyes were watery and I am going crazy because I want to cry THIS MUCH during something so simple and not because of the scene.

I manage to keep it together, finish eating, continue baking and the episode ends. I am waiting on the muffins in the oven so decide to sit in the couch with J and then lost it. I start crying just a bit, then some more until I am a complete mess, bawling and crying my eyes out; J just hugs me, knowing that asking is futile.

Eventually I calm down, happy that I was calm enough for J to take the muffins out of the oven so I don't cry this time about that. We talked about everything in my head but I specially blurted out how "I thought I had moved on". The problem was that I was being triggered so much, which I didn't expect, and then when I almost cried during Super Girl I started wondering if I was sentimental because we are actually pregnant this month. Yeah, that happened, I started wondering again with no basis whatsoever except "I was sentimental" :-(

I am not crying so far but I am asking for help. If this is before starting the process, I can only imagine how much worse this new IVF is going to make it. It is all worth it right?