Monday, 6 April 2015

The strength to go on, and the strength to stop

A lot of people talk about how much strength it takes to go on in this process, to try one more time, to give it just one more shot. I believe it takes incredible amounts of strength to stop too. To not try one more time and accept, to accept life as-is and stop trying to change it, to believe there is something else out there besides our current goal.

I am being forced again and again to contemplate that future. A future where I stop.

Before I started IVF I remember thinking how much I admired the women that didn't give up and tried one more time. Right now I don't know if I admire them, but I know I admire the women that decide to stop. The women that decide not to try IVF again and change their path. The women that decide to live life and stop trying to change it.

One IVF is enough for me. I don't know the outcome yet, but I am forced to see a future after this. I am forced to think about plan B and plan C. I have hope but hope is low. The light is low and everything is dimmed. Even though I feel like the light is gone, I feel comfort about going back to my life. To being happy again. To stop trying and let the future come.

God, I give up, I surrender. I had put my will on you, I decided to stop worrying and leave it all in your hands. Today I surrender. Today I not only put my future in your hands, and let you take care of it. Today I tell you that I will stop fighting. I will let you guide me. I will let you take me wherever you had planned all along.

I surrender.