I am being forced again and again to contemplate that future. A future where I stop.
Before I started IVF I remember thinking how much I admired the women that didn't give up and tried one more time. Right now I don't know if I admire them, but I know I admire the women that decide to stop. The women that decide not to try IVF again and change their path. The women that decide to live life and stop trying to change it.
One IVF is enough for me. I don't know the outcome yet, but I am forced to see a future after this. I am forced to think about plan B and plan C. I have hope but hope is low. The light is low and everything is dimmed. Even though I feel like the light is gone, I feel comfort about going back to my life. To being happy again. To stop trying and let the future come.
God, I give up, I surrender. I had put my will on you, I decided to stop worrying and leave it all in your hands. Today I surrender. Today I not only put my future in your hands, and let you take care of it. Today I tell you that I will stop fighting. I will let you guide me. I will let you take me wherever you had planned all along.