Friday, 19 September 2014

Another day, another month

And the first month without trying has passed. At the beginning it was really hard just in general, feeling all depressed, and getting rid of all the drugs in my body. Then it got easier mentally, and all I had left was the struggle not to count the days, not to keep track of how many times and which days we had had sex. It was all followed by the constant nagging and internal struggle of "is forgetting about everything going to work?", "it's the fact I'm not sleeping well good news?", "does this count as really forgetting about getting pregnant?". So freaking hard.

I spent the last 3 weeks not sleeping well. Still can't sleep well! I have no clue what's going on, just keep waking up constantly with no reason. I have tried everything, from going to bed REALLY late, to buying a new pillow, air conditioner off, air conditioner on, valeriana root, everything. I had hope, all I could hope for was that it was a symptom, but I didn't set myself in it, just had that tiny bit of light hope.

Now the month is over, maybe because of the drugs, or maybe it's random, but my 26 to 30 days I had been having for these past years turned into 25 days. Not only was I not prepared mentally but also physically. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch something, I don't want to hear one more person mention that someone else got pregnant while taking a break from the clinics.

I have an appointment next week with the doctor to talk about IVF. I don't know what to expect, but I'm waiting distracted, this wait doesn't have all the crying all the other months had. This month my tears are gone.