Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Living up to expectations

I'll venture a wide statement and say most people find it hard to live up to expectations. The expectations other people have of you, and the ones you have of yourself.

As common as it is for people to expect something of you as a daughter or son, as an employee or employer, as husband or wife, and everything in between, my problem is the one people have about you as a woman and being pregnant. You have to be able to get pregnant, period. You have to be able to do it when you want to, period. If you are having problems, don't worry, every one knows someone that had trouble and were able to get pregnant.

I talked with my mom last week and after I told her I was having issues reconciling that the first IUI hadn't worked, she told me not to worry, "with technology now days women are having kids even in their forties!". I know she is trying to make me feel good and all, but when you are feeling crappy, there is no much escape. I told her with all the technology and I still couldn't get pregnant yet. It hurt me to hear her fall silent to that and told her that I still had hope, that I wasn't giving up.

Then it was my mother in law. She told me not to worry, because she has a friend that was going through all sort of treatments to get pregnant at a fertility clinic and nothing was working. The clinic closed during the summer (which clinic does that?!) and she got pregnant that summer with no help from the clinic. That's great for her, and I love my mother in law for trying to make me feel better, but it just feels like more pressure (even though I know she is not doing it on purpose). It feels like I would disappoint her if I don't get pregnant next time I take a break.

To top it off, there is the grandparents wanting to see great-grandchildren, and the wedding I went to where people were asking the bride and groom who would be changing diapers and/or choosing the baby's name. Guess what? not everyone wants to have kids and not everyone can have kids. Stop asking that type of question until at least a baby is REALLY a possibility.

For now, I started my second IUI round. Blood work, ultrasounds, pills, right arm so bruised I look like a drug addict, and mood swings. Welcome all to my life the next few weeks. I will try to live up to your (and mine) expectations one more time, and see what the result will be. Meanwhile I'll be planning weekends away and sushi time!