Thursday, 31 July 2014

A name without power

I have a confession to make. My name is not Amanda (but I'm happy for everyone to keep using it to address me). The name I am using, Amanda Miguel, are the names I wanted to name my kids.

My husband and me mentioned baby names since we were dating, and it was funny how we both loved the same names. Specially Amanda, that was my special name, the one name I had no doubts and that was perfect in every single way. After 5 years wanting that name, a family member had a daughter and called her Amanda. I was crushed. That was my name, no one in the family had it, it was perfect in both Spanish and English and I had it reserved for all these years. The thing is, he didn't know about it, and I had no kid to give the name to.

Miguel is a similar story, no one has used it yet, but I was in constant "fear" when a family member got pregnant they would take that name too. It was like they were robbing me of having a baby. I know it's not true, but infertility makes you a little bit insane.

So, that's how I decided to take the power away from the name. Use it in my blog, get called that, make it something that I can use right now and not something that keeps waiting. Make it something mine and special instead of keeping it in my heart as a "maybe". Take the power away from the name.

I think it's working, because at the very least I don't feel like I have been robbed anymore. I don't feel like mentioning the name is reminding me of the children I don't have. I can enjoy the name, and surprisingly the combination, without having to wait. If I get to have kids in the future I don't know if I will use the names, maybe I still will, but for now I am Amanda Miguel, and the name doesn't hold any power over me anymore.