Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Talking myself out of it

I debated posting this after the love one, but at the end decided it shows perfectly the two faces or ambivalence of this process.

The thing is, when I like something, if I see it's something I want but I cannot have, I talk myself out of it. I find the little things I don't like, all the reasons it would not work, or I actually convince myself I really didn't like it that much. It's funny but it has worked for as long I can remember.

Not being able to get pregnant yet has made me do this. I catch myself sometimes thinking that I don't want to change diapers, or that I can go to Europe if I don't get pregnant, or I can sleep and play video games all I want. Feelings get all mixed and fumbled because I get really divided between "I want to have children", "having children would be hard and maybe I don't really want them" and of course, the inevitable "if I even think for a second that I might not want children, it may make it happen and I won't be able to have children, stop thinking like that!".

I become a complete mess when this happens and normally causes one of the famous crying outbursts I have. Does it happen to you? Convincing yourself that you might really not want it that much? The material things and trips are easy. I can convince myself and move on, but this? I cannot convince myself of moving on with not having children, I want them too much, but it's almost like a defence mechanism at this point. From time to time I will put up the defences and think I don't want this, and then I have to work on tearing them down easily, so as not to break myself in the process.

My defences have been down this week. I am fighting for this as much as I can, and so far I have a no-crying record of 2 weeks! :-)