Monday, 18 August 2014

Yesterday I cried

And the record didn't last the whole cycle!. Saturday night I had a dream, all I can remember is the shortest dream. Me, holding a toddler, and not wanting to let go. Hugging her/him tight and saying "I don't want to let go". I then woke up, not wanting to let go.

I think it was caused because I told J that I was thinking of giving up, maybe adoption is the way to go. He said again he didn't want to talk about it, and I reminded him that he never wants to talk about it. He always has hope and I love him for that, he always hope that this treatment will work, this will be the one. I am never so sure. At the end he talked, he said "I am not ready to give up". It broke my heart and put it back together with those simple words "I'm not ready to give up". I shouldn't be either. I thought I was, but clearly the dream showed me I wasn't.

So, I woke up, kept having off and on dreams, forget about it and start my day. Then all of a sudden, during the morning, the dream comes full force. I want to cry but J is not here. I made a deal with him years ago, I'm not allowed to cry by myself. I am alone at the moment. I go out of the house, seat in the heat of the day, in front of neighbours so I don't cry, I wait for him. As soon as he gets home he knows. He asked me "are you ok?".

I cried.

I cried and cried and told him about the dream. I told him I wasn't ready to hear the news this Wednesday. I don't feel pregnant and I don't want to hear another negative. I cry some more and he does what he does best. He hugs me the whole time, he kiss me, he says all the best things and one or two jokes on the perfect spots. He makes me smile, and feel better and we go on.

The day goes by and everything is fine, but I keep getting in a bad mood and don't know why. It's almost time for bed and I had decided it was time to make plans for the week (we need to have a Wednesday night plan, celebration or feeling bad for ourselves, always have a plan), and we should talk about what to do if it fails. Another IUI? IVF? Rest?. I am ready to talk, and then I'm not. I can't even open my mouth. J gets worried. I make myself say everything, not a conversation, just a speech about all the things I wanted to talk about and not longer want to even mention.

And then I cried. I cried and cried some more. I don't want to know. I want to know. I don't want to take a rest because it might be better to just do another one in a row. I want to take a rest because this hurts too much. I cried because it was the second time in the day crying. I cried because I don't think is going to work. I cried because I didn't have any plans for Wednesday. I cried because I should be happy I have a healthy family that loves me and I love, and I should not be asking for more. I cried because I want this too much.

I cried because each tear is part of my love. I love her/him too much.

Today I wait. Tomorrow I'll wait some more. Wednesday will be another story.